The doctors found that I had what
they call complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
It is more than just PTSD because while I
was in the Marine Corps, I was not in the Marine Corps
during wartime.
But I was assaulted twice while I was in the Marine Corps.
In the military they train you to ignore what would show
weakness and to not show it.
But by ignoring it, it cost me my first marriage.
It cost me my son, who will not have anything to do with me.
And it cost me a lot of my life because I couldn't accept
the things that had happened.
I didn't know I was depressed.
Honestly, I thought everything was good.
I thought things were going well.
Life was pretty much good until after my dad passed away.
And I started getting more and more depressed, more
and more irritable, more and more unable to socialize.
I cut myself off from a lot of people.
And that's when I knew that there was something wrong.
The day I lashed out at my husband in a really stupid way
by screaming in a way that wasn't normal for me,
I knew, "Something's wrong and I need to find out what."
This wasn't right for me.
There are times when I look at some of the behaviors that
I've had, that I've done, prior to learning truly about
the Atonement--that I never thought I could forgive myself,
let alone have anybody else forgive me,
and that I could never make up for it.
Now that I know the gospel, He makes up for everything.
And there are times when I still feel guilty,
sometimes a little bit, because I remember what I did.
But then I know.
And I think back that He's going to make the intercession for me
as long as I keep trying to never repeat
those things again.
He's always there for me, and He's always
going to be my Advocate.
And He's always going to help me.
I love the Savior.
He's always been there for me even
before I joined the Church, even before I understood who He was.
I know that joining the Church was
the right thing for me to do.
It brought me here.
It brought me to the VA.
It brought me to the therapies that I've had.
I have gone through some really neat therapies, equine therapy,
with horses.
Horses relate to people.
There was a horse who kind of had a type of PTSD like me.
He didn't want to be around people, and we kind of bonded.
Art therapy.
Going to the temple has helped me a lot.
I still have times where I can't go to--I can go to church,
but I have to sit in the lobby because I can't be around all
the people.
But they--I'm in the deaf branch, and they understand.
They've all been very nice and supportive.
I cannot conceive the thought of having to stand before Him
and know that I just gave up.
When He's done everything for me, I can't just quit.
Don't give up.
It's hard to say that when you're
in the middle of a tempest.
But if all you can do is just, in your mind,
cling on to the skirt of the Savior,
don't let go, because as long as you're holding on,
you'll get through that storm.
And He'll be there with the light
at the end, no matter how black it gets.
He will be there.