I was really busy in my 20s.
I was really social.
And I went to a lot of parties with friends,
and constantly on the go.
Just a lot of activity and a lot of work, a lot of play.
Just--when you're in your 20s, you're active.
And I was really happy, really laughed a lot,
had a lot of fun.
And in my mid-20s, I started just breaking down at work.
Just started crying for no reason
and had really sorrowful thoughts
I couldn't get rid of, really deep and dark
thoughts that wouldn't leave.
And my co-worker pointed out to me, he said, "You know,
my dad had depression, and he's had some of the same symptoms
that you've had."
And I kind of dismissed it and thought, "No, probably just
having a bad day."
And I would write in my journal, "I
think I'm having another bad day,"
and it just kept coming back.
And it got so bad at one point that I couldn't get rid
of these negative thoughts, and they
were pretty harmful to myself.
They were just really debilitating.
And things would set me off where I would just
start crying for no reason.
It was actually really miraculous.
The day that it all came to a head,
I was really having really awful thoughts about my roommate
and some things that I--just was really negative,
and really scary thoughts.
And I actually find solace in cemeteries,
and so I went to a cemetery to pray.
And I was there for about three or four hours just
trying to get rid of these thoughts
and just trying to find some hope.
And I was praying the whole time.
I prayed and prayed and prayed, and finally I had the courage
to talk to my dad.
And I was so embarrassed and so--I recognized that it would
cause him pain, and it did.
It caused my parents a lot of pain and discomfort,
and it caused me a lot of embarrassment
to say that I had to get help.
And I felt like a little child.
And my dad was in southern Utah at the same time,
and he told me later--he said, "I was looking through some
pictures of you, and I saw a picture of you,
and I just had the worst feeling."
And he said, "I felt like I'm going to lose her forever,"
and the Spirit prompted him to go pray for me right then.
And when he did that, at that moment
I heard the voice of the Spirit, and it told me to call my dad
and tell him what I was struggling with.
I called him and he says, "We'll probably just need
to get some help for you."
And at that point, I moved home.
I was 27 and an adult, independent, and I moved home.
And I couldn't function.
Things kind of just crashed.
The only way I can describe it is demons in my head.
There were just a lot of really angry voices.
My faith was completely gone.
I questioned the Church.
I questioned love from anybody.
I would often just sit in bed all day and cry.
And I couldn't think positive thoughts at all.
It was all negative.
So I would sleep because I didn't
want to face those thoughts, and so I would sleep a lot.
It was the hardest time of my life.
My parents and I, we learned so much through that time.
We were frustrated.
We were yelling.
We were crying.
We just couldn't communicate.
Nobody knew how to fix the problem.
And it was probably really hard for my family
because they knew me as a really happy and fun person.
So it was kind of a 360, what they knew and what I was doing.
How I was acting was just not who I was.
It wasn't me, and they knew that.
And so I think that was probably what
frustrated my parents the most, was
trying to help me to love myself again
and to be that peaceful, happy person that I used to be.
And it began a very open relationship with my parents,
very transparent.
You can't hide anything at that point,
and we just told everything honestly.
"This is how I'm feeling today.
I don't want to go to church.
I don't want to go out with the family today."
And there were weeks during that time
that I could only go to church with my dad and mom,
just walk in, sit down, listen, and then go home.
I never said a word for about two months
during church, two to three months.
All I could do was get dressed, go sit by them,
get up and leave, and go home and go back to bed.
And that lasted for several weeks.
And little by little, things started coming back.
My faith started coming back.
My hope started coming back a little bit at a time.
It's a long process, but as you feel yourself getting better,
it gives you more hope.
And as you start making better choices
in how you take care of yourself,
it gives you more hope.
Little achievements were a big deal.
Like, got a job; that was a big deal.
And you stayed at church; you actually made a comment
in Sunday School.
That was a big deal.
I felt the Holy Ghost for about five seconds the other day,
you know?
Those were big, big stepping-stones to recovery.
And then everything became a lot easier to handle
after that perspective came.
And it's OK if you don't make it better right away in life.
I make sure to really take care of myself.
I'm really careful about what I let into my life,
in media and in relationships.
I really watch my level of stress.
I make sure that I have a very calm life, and I control it.
I'm in control.
I exercise regularly every day, and I eat better.
I pray every day.
I pray a lot.
I pray more than once or twice a day.
I pray all the time.
I communicate openly with my Heavenly Father
because I know that if I can do that and take Him my fears,
then I won't keep them bottled up.
And that's kind of how my depression built up,
is because I was holding in a lot of fear and a lot of worry.
And when I take it to the Lord I can say,
"Here's what I'm dealing with," and it's a daily therapy.
It's a daily renewal.
And I enjoy nature.
I get outside.
Lots of little things.
I make sure to spend time with people that I'm close to.
I have a pretty close circle of friends, a pretty small circle
of friends at this point.
I know myself better.
I don't feel guilty or selfish when I set time for myself
because I know that I'm taking care of myself,
and I don't think that enough people do that.
They tend to take care of everybody around them,
but a lot of people--I've come to realize--don't take care
of themselves as well as they should,
emotionally and spiritually.
I feel more peaceful inside.
I have a really calm feeling all the time.
I know what I could be.
I feel more potential, and I feel less unkind to people that
struggle--like, I understand where they're at.
And it's given me a lot of tolerance
for people that have mental illness, so I think
it's been a real blessing in that I can really
relate to people.
I can help people, talk to them about depression,
but I also just feel like I can continue on in life
and do a better job now that I've gotten better
and learned a lot.
I've learned so much about how your mind can
affect your whole life and how to take care of that.
The Savior's Atonement, I can't even imagine.
I know that He took my pain away many times.
I know He provided many miracles for me.
I can't imagine what He went through,
because I know what I felt in a small degree,
a tiny, tiny, tiny bit of pain compared to what He felt.
But I often reflected on His Atonement during that time,
because it's horrible.
It's a horrible feeling.
So He could only--to imagine what He has felt for that
reason, it was incredible.
I know that Jesus Christ lives, and I know He loves me.
I know that He cares about me, even when
I don't care about myself, and that He
paid the price for the sorrows and the sins
that I've experienced.
And I know that He heals.
That's the only way I'm healed.
I couldn't have done it without Him.
I know my Heavenly Father loves me and listens to me every day.
And I pray to Him all the time.