Basketball was my life.
I played at the collegiate level.
I used it kind of as--it kind of hid my condition.
And you know, everybody saw the hard-nosed, tough basketball
player on the outside.
But when I went home at night and when I was by myself,
I had a lot of self-doubt and kind of self-abuse and guilty
feelings and sometimes feelings of wanting to harm myself.
It's an ongoing battle.
And it's been ups and downs over 20 years
of learning medications, what medications are right, going
in and out of Church activity.
And it kind of came to a head about seven years ago.
I had left the family business and started my own company
building homes.
It was 2007, and the economy was on the downturn.
And life started funneling again to where
there was nothing good.
And I couldn't see, couldn't focus
on the good things in life.
And I walked away from my crew one day
and went and attempted suicide.
In one of divine intervention, I knew
there was something on the other side that relieved me from that
and that that wasn't my time.
And then things since then have been still a roller coaster,
but talking about it and getting help from those around me
in the last four years has been an amazing experience.
The hard thing is to understand what my triggers are
for depression and for anxiety.
And I kind of have to self-gauge myself
as far as knowing what pushes me over the edge.
And it's not just one thing; it could be a myriad of things.
And the last straw is always the one
that you always think is the trigger, but it's not.
It's just the last straw.
Everybody seemed so perfect with their family ideals,
and I just didn't see my life as being that perfect.
I felt like I was being a hypocrite, that I was guilty
for something, for not feeling the Spirit.
People explain all the time in church
how they're thankful for how the Spirit was in a meeting,
and to be sitting there and to have not felt that
and to not feel it over time is kind of a hard thing.
And it was hard to stay home, but it
was hard to go to church.
And so it's a scary place to be, not
being able to feel the Spirit.
My wife said that I needed to get some help,
so my family got involved.
Over the last several years, I've
had to lay my problems at the Savior's feet.
And I've needed to understand that He's
felt those feelings, the ultimate despair.
He knows what my shortcomings are.
He knows that this is something that affects my life, that
affects my children's life.
It affects my wife tremendously.
I'm not perfect, but you know, I can try to say my prayers
and to read my scriptures and to go to my Church meetings
and understand that even though I'm not perfect
and I may not feel the Spirit when I go to church,
I'm trying to do the things that my Savior wants.
And so at some point, those issues, the illness,
will be overcome.
And that's only through the Savior
that we're all going to be able to have that.
I love the Savior.
And I love Him more today than I have in my whole life because
of the pain and suffering that I've endured
and understanding that He has laid his life for me.
And giving me a chance to overcome my weaknesses
is so immense.
And He knows our weaknesses, and He knows me better than anyone
and still loves me.
He's the ultimate big brother, and He's there for me
all the time.
And I couldn't ask for more.