I have a wonderful family, but we don't talk about things.
There's a lot of white elephants.
And so I just closed in.
So I learned to be independent quickly.
But also, I was involved in a lot
of extracurricular activities.
Thankfully to my parents, they were trying
to give me the best they could.
But it required perfection from each teacher,
because they wanted the best for me.
But that quickly developed into not
being good enough, because perfection is required,
which is impossible.
I remember I was in a piano recital,
and I messed up terribly.
It was supposed to be memorized, and it was a Christmas recital.
My piano teacher my next lesson told
me to replay that line over and over again
until it was perfect.
And she made me stay and do that for two hours.
And I missed my guitar lesson after that,
and then I got in trouble with guitar.
And I became very scared of not being enough
and felt like I didn't know how to do enough for people
to make them happy.
So I felt very closed in.
I started getting bullied at school.
I didn't tell my parents.
I was very alone.
And I was trying to figure out, "What am I
supposed to do that makes me valued by other people?"
My friend and I, we went over, and it was a pool party.
And these people who were supposed to be friends
pushed a guy to corner me in the pool
and touch me in places I didn't want to be touched.
And I felt like my voice didn't matter anymore.
I started having health issues, anyways, and had
to be put on a special diet.
And it quickly turned into a way for me to control.
And for some reason, it gave me a false sense of power.
I didn't feel hope.
I didn't know how to feel hope.
Two years ago, I got down to 55 pounds.
And I wanted to disappear.
And I remember thinking, "I have to choose now
if I'm going to take a chance."
And I know girls that struggle.
You get to that point where you don't want to be here anymore.
And it seems kind of like there is no way out.
I felt so alone.
And I remember laying on my bathroom floor,
trying to breathe, and my patriarchal blessing
came into my head.
So many beautiful promises that I
was sure I had lost the opportunity for.
I needed to feel like there was someone there who understood
and could help carry that pain.
What I got was this warmth of a promise.
And so I took that small piece of hope and said, "I will try."
And in return I got, "And I'll be there."
I've never had an experience like that before.
And it's something I've held onto for any time I struggle.
I know that the Savior knows every bit of pain
I've been through and am going through and will go through.
He's my best friend and my brother.
His love is so strong that He's willing to feel all that pain
for me and for everyone.
I can't imagine the pain He went through,
because my pain feels sometimes overwhelming,
and He suffered for the world.
But that part of the world includes me.
And it took me a while to understand that or accept it.
I recently have been able to meet girls in my stake
through my calling.
Who knew there were so many near me that struggle with it?
And I see them, and I recognize those eyes of no hope.
They're glazed, and they're lost and broken.
But I can tell them and show them
that they are worth fighting for.
And it's been such a great opportunity
to watch them grow and try.
And I always tell them there's a new day every day.
If you have a hard day, fine.
Have a hard day.
Let it be.
Tomorrow is a new day, and you get to start over.
So this is a journal, one of my many journals.
I got this before I checked myself into a facility
in Denver.
I love quotes.
My mom, she made my patriarchal blessing
into these little things.
And I was able to highlight things that
were relevant at that time.
But this journal is how I study.
So I'll read a line in my patriarchal blessing,
and then I choose a word in that line.
So for example, I chose bear.
And then I look in the Topical Guide,
and I find scriptures that all of a sudden mean something
more because that's in my patriarchal blessing,
so it's relevant to me.
And I'm in the scriptures.
They're talking to me.
And it just was--it was more evidence to me that He's aware.
So many times I would fall upon a scripture
that I needed at that time, and it
was like He was talking to me.
So I knew I wasn't alone, and I didn't
have to be scared anymore.
You can feel like you're in a pitch-black room with no hope.
And all of a sudden, He'll give you that hope
and He'll give you that comfort.
It doesn't matter what you've done
or what you feel like you're worth.
He always loves you.
And I know that.
I am enough because I'm His.
My value is so much more than I can even fathom.
I have a divine purpose.
Everyone has a divine purpose.
I know how beautiful I am in His eyes.
I may not see it through my eyes sometimes,
but that doesn't matter.
I am beautiful to Him no matter what.
And that's what matters.
Psalms 116, verse 8, and it's "For thou hast
delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears,
and my feet from falling."
And my quote is actually a part of Holland's talk when he says,
"Don't you quit.
You keep [going].
You keep trying."
Just that portion of it carried me through every day.
I have it probably on four different walls in my room.
Because my Heavenly Father and Savior won't give up on me,
so don't you quit.
So I'm not going to.