The healing work in overcoming these issues--whether
it's an adolescent, a young adult,
or a married adult at a later stage of life,
there's a lot of common factors.
That work, at its core, is the same.
I think one of the challenges that I've
experienced as a clinician in working with adolescents,
especially, is they're not at that phase of life
where really serious consequences have caught up
to them in this.
It's still hypothetical and abstract.
And so in a lot of that work, it's
really helping them understand where this path will lead.
We hear the word addiction thrown around quite a bit.
I would suggest for your thought that children and youth rarely
fit the definition of addiction.
They're struggling with all kinds of different issues
when it comes to their own sexual drive.
We don't want our adolescent youth walking
around thinking, "Because I have a sexual drive,
I'm a sexual addict."
We want them to understand that to be sexually addicted
is something that is separate from sexual drive.
And how parents decide to address that issue
with their youth is a very unique process that's
almost specific to each child.
If I knew or thought a child might be dealing with
pornography or sexuality that was problematic for them
in their lives, I'd want to say to them,
in advance of them ever confronting that situation,
"If you ever have an issue with those kinds of issues--and most
people are going to have some kind of an issue with sexuality
in the world that we live in today--first of all,
I want you to know that if you're struggling with
pornography, it says a whole lot less about you than it does
about the world we live in and how complicated it is around
our sexual lives.
"But I would also want you to know
this is how I'm going to respond if you were to come to me
and say, 'Mom, Dad, I've got a problem.
I'm being exposed to a lot of pornography,
and I'm getting sucked into it, and I don't know how
to respond.'
I'd want you to know this is what I'd say: 'Thank you.
Thank you so much for trusting me with that information.
That's exactly what I hope you'll always feel free to do.
I'm really proud of you for being
willing to take this issue on in your life.
Are you OK?
What have you seen?
How are you feeling about it?
How can I help?
How much of a problem is it?
What have you tried?
What else could we try?'" Those would be the kinds
of approaches I would want to take with the child so they
know up-front, "This is how I'll respond.
You don't need to be afraid."
For parents who have young adults who
are struggling with pornography, they need to feel love.
They need an arm around their shoulder.
They need a parent to say, "I'm proud of you for the struggle
that you're waging, for the war that you're fighting.
And there'll be battles that are won and battles that are lost.
But the war is going to be won in the end."
And to have an arm of a parent around a child who's
fighting that war is one of the most important things
that can be.
And it doesn't have to define everything
that's going on in their life.
They're working on this.
They need to be seen as a whole person and not just
this one aspect of their life that may be out of balance
as they try to work on it.
And so to see their potential, to see their past,
and to see all of what they're doing is how God looks at us.
And that's the best way a parent can help somebody
who is working and struggling.
What I find with a lot of young men,
when they're struggling with this--I always tell them,
"Change your environment immediately,
whether you get up or get out of the house,
go out and visit your neighbor or the widow down the street.
But the more you do that, and together,
couple that with everything else--with your praying,
your reading the scriptures--you'll receive
strength.
And that strength is nothing that we can really explain.
That strength comes within.
And it's the Savior's strength."
One of the most important steps that I've found in the healing
process is, once you've established a relationship
of trust, where the love is there and the understanding is
there, if we can transition them into a very simple plan--little
steps that they can do--it just creates a foothold.
They can start.
And the worst thing that happens is, they've finally come in,
they've been failing, they need help,
and we give them something that they can't reach.
And so I try to really draw out of them the clear understanding
of "What have you tried?
What's worked?
What hasn't worked?"
And you build upon where they're at.
You go where they're at, not "Let me take you
where you can't go."
Start here.
And then it's important that as we
create a small couple of first steps,
that they understand that they're accountable.
They can do this.
Now, it's really important for me
that when we establish those steps,
it's not me setting the steps.
It's them.
So I involve the revelation process
to say, "OK, what is the trigger?
What have you found that's worked?
How come it didn't quite work?
How would you adjust it?"
And you just breathe with them.
You just help them realize, and they share with you,
and you formulate.
And you look for one or two steps.
You're going to say, "We're going to start here.
Can you start here?"
And it becomes their plan.
So again, it's how you involve them in this, number one,
that they can get revelation, that the Lord is
very aware of them, and that they can do it.
It's just kind of this empowerment
where they say, "I can do that."
And it gives them hope.
All of a sudden, they're leaving my office with,
"I'm going to do this.
It's one or two things, but I'm just going to try it."
Young people who have been involved in viewing material
that's inappropriate--it's one thing to stop,
and God's help is needed to stop viewing and doing those bad
things.
It also has to be replaced.
Digital devices are pervasive in school, in the workplace.
They're everywhere, and they're not going to go away.
So to say, "Well, I'll just be sequestered away;
I'll be isolated away from these devices," is not realistic.
They're a part of most of our interaction
and our work everywhere, all the time.
We have to learn how to use them for righteousness,
not just avoid evil.
So I think you find a significant number of people
who, going from using a digital device for an evil purpose,
find that there's a difference in how they feel when
they use it for righteousness.
Doing something as simple as indexing
invites the spirit of Elijah.
The spirit of Elijah is the Holy Ghost bearing witness
of the eternal nature of the family.
The darkness is chased away through righteous action,
and you can feel the difference.
And if that's done in a sustained way over time,
in the same way that you could feel the light when you had
been in the dark, if you have been in the light
for some period of time, you want to shun the darkness.
So it's not enough just to stop.
It must be replaced.
And the darkness has to be chased away.