In today's world, we know that kids
are going to accidentally see pornography.
We also know that they're going to seek for it actively.
Now, those are two different issues
but can both be addressed fundamentally by parents
in a very critical aspect.
And the way that they can address that
is to remove shame.
Parents need to be open so that if a young man or a young woman
comes to them and says, "Hey, I saw this,"
then one of the things the parent needs
to do is not react, not go into "Well, I told you
that was bad," but step back and hold for a moment
and say, "So how did that make you feel?
So what did you think when you saw that?
What do you want to do about it?
Where do we go from here?"
and allow their children to explore their sexuality based
on what they saw so that parents can step back
and say, "OK, I can see why you felt that way.
I can see why you responded that way.
Guess what?
That's not bad.
That's what Heavenly Father intended,
but in the right avenues.
Now let me talk to you about the right avenues.
And let's go to this place so that you
know how beautiful and wonderful it is.
And I'm sorry that it came about from the wrong modality.
But there's nothing wrong with you.
Let's just have a conversation."
If Mom and Dad are terrified of the issue of pornography
or even the word pornography, if Mom and Dad
don't know what to do and they're
sort of avoiding the conversation entirely,
then the adolescent learns something,
and that is, "Oh, this hurts Mom and Dad.
So not telling them is somehow helping them."
I think it's helpful, when parents
want to have these difficult topics,
to just kind of understand the cycle that Satan
uses on mortals.
And that cycle is, he finds a chink in our armor
and he exploits it in some way.
And then he layers on shame and embarrassment
so that we stop talking to people.
And then he says, "You've got to put some deception on there."
And then we start lying, and then we
feel so bad that he exploits the chink in our armor.
And that little cycle goes around and around.
So parents have to intervene and say,
"Look, we're not going to be ashamed.
We're not going to be embarrassed.
Let's just talk about what happened so that we
can break through that cycle."
Shame is a funny word in our language because a lot of times
we mix up shame and guilt. We kind of throw them
into the same category.
We know that guilt can be very constructive.
But sometimes it's helpful to parse out
those words a little bit.
We don't always use them consistently.
Concept is, guilt says, "I'm a good person.
I have high values.
I expect a lot from myself.
I've done something to violate my own internal standards,
my own sense of right and wrong.
I want to make that right.
I want to change my behavior, apologize
to whomever I've offended, let the Lord know I'm sorry,
and move on in my life in a better way."
Shame is a little different.
In my mind, shame is sort of Satan's counterfeit
for guilt. Shame says, "I'm a bad person.
And if other people knew about me--that I'm not living up
to my values and what they expect from me--they'd be
really disappointed and embarrassed about what
I'm doing.
They wouldn't understand why I got myself in this situation.
I'd better hide what I'm doing, not let anybody know.
I'd better keep it private, keep it secret.
And so then I get to move forward with my life,
feeling like maybe other people will still like me,
but inside I'm feeling like, 'No, they're
not going to like me.
If they knew who I really was, they wouldn't like me.'"
So shame contributes an enormous amount
to hiding rather than changing and to feeling
lonely and misunderstood rather than meaningfully connected
to the people around us.
I remember the first occasion in our home
where one of our children saw something, a pornographic image
on the computer.
And this was when we were young parents.
We had never experienced this.
We didn't know what to do.
We didn't know what to say.
But I remember that we took this child, and my husband
and I brought him downstairs together.
And the first thing we did is, we hugged him.
It was as if a warm blanket had been wrapped around all three
of us.
I remember that very clearly.
And I remember marveling to my husband
afterwards, as we talked about it,
that I said, "I expected this to be such an awful experience.
'Oh, no, our child has seen pornography.'" But in some
ways, I thought, "Maybe it's good in a way that he
understands now, in a way that he didn't before,
the good from the evil.
And is it possible that this is not the end of the world?
Is it possible that something that I
thought would be so horrible could turn out to be so sweet?"
There's a saying I've heard--"With guilt,
you say to yourself, 'I made a mistake.'
With shame, you say to yourself, 'I am a mistake.'" And
there's a huge difference there.
You're a good person.
You are a son or daughter of God.
You have the potential of divinity within you.
You have that divine spark and the potential
of Christlike being.
And repentance is the key to that.
Again, the beauty, the blessing, the grace of the Atonement
will help make that happen.
But if you or I begin to feel shame, I think we need to say,
"That is the devil's counterfeit.
That's going down the wrong path.
I'm not a mistake.
I'm a son or daughter of God, and I can turn to Him
through the Lord.
By the power of the Holy Ghost, I can overcome and change."
And that's the gift of repentance again.