WEBVTT

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I just remember waking
up and feeling different.

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I decided to take a pregnancy
test, and the first one I took

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was positive.

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And I didn't want to believe
it, so I took a few more,

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and the results were the same.

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And I was so scared.

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I grew up in a
really strong family.

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We went to church
every Sunday, and some

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of the standards that we
teach are, don't have sex

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before you're married, don't
drink alcohol, avoid drugs.

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When I left home for college,
I questioned everything

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that I was taught.

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I honestly felt
like this Church was

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full of rules and restrictions,
and that was my attitude.

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I wanted to find out,
well, why is this so bad?

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I began drinking
on the weekends,

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and the weekends turned
to a couple days a week.

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And I met a guy at a party.

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He was nice enough,
and I didn't really

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have anywhere else to go, so
I decided to move in with him.

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It took me a while to kind
of realize what was happening

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and realize that this
was in fact my reality,

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because I didn't want to
believe it for a while.

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And I felt so alone.

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I didn't know how I was
going to tell my family.

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I didn't even know
what they would think

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or what they would say.

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And I know they were
already disappointed

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in me and some of my decisions.

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And I felt unworthy to pray.

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I felt like, why would He
want to listen to me now

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after I had neglected Him?

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But I did.

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My first prayer
changed it all for me,

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and I burst into
tears because that

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was the first time I actually
felt Him, felt my Savior,

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felt my Heavenly Father.

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My family just welcomed
me with open arms.

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It was actually
really overwhelming.

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I felt like I was
unworthy for that love,

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but it was exactly
what I needed.

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Eventually I got excited.

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I got excited to be a mom,
but there was always something

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in the back of my mind.

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The thought of not
being able to give her

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a big family like I was raised
in was really hard for me.

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Through a lot of prayer
and sleepless nights

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and a lot of tears, I
finally came to the decision

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to place her for adoption.

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I was so overwhelmed
with this next decision

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of finding her family, and I
felt like I was praying 24/7.

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The second I saw
this family's blog,

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I just fell in love with them.

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I just felt at peace.

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When I finally went into labor,
I thought I was prepared.

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I thought, "OK, I
made this decision.

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I've grieved.

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This will be OK.

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I'll be OK."

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It was like I had to
make this decision

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to place my little
girl for adoption

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all over again, because it was
real, because I could see her,

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I was holding her.

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I could just envision
her potential.

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I got a glimpse,
just a small glimpse

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at how much love God has for
me, God has for my little girl,

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that God has for every
single one of us.

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I never understood
love till then.

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That night I remember thinking
about all the decisions

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that led up to this day
and thinking, "How am I

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going to move forward in life?

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How am I supposed to
move on without her?

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How am I supposed to leave
this hospital empty-handed?"

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I didn't think it was possible,
and I pleaded with God.

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I was begging God.

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And I remember asking my
dad for a father's blessing.

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I don't remember what
was said in that prayer,

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but I honestly felt
God's arms around me,

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and I knew that the
only way that I could

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move forward and continue
with the decision I made

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was with Him and His help.

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The next morning,
on Christmas Eve,

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was when I signed my
parental rights away.

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I wanted her to
look really pretty.

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I picked out an outfit
for her, and there's

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this shirt I bought her
that said "Best Gift Ever."

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Then I woke up Christmas
morning, and she wasn't there.

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I couldn't look
down and feel her.

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I couldn't go check on her.

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Despite everything that
I have gone through,

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I've realized how
blessed I am and how much

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love God has for
everybody, including me.

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You can either
become bitter, or you

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can become better through God.

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Through the grace
of God, I've been

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able to forgive myself of
my mistakes and be happy now

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and really have
hope for my future

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and for the future
of my little girl.

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It's incredible.

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