We all come to a point in our life
where we're trying to figure things out,
figure out who we are.
Where does religion, where does spirituality fit in our lives?
I'm a perfectionist.
It's been a huge struggle for me to have absolutely no control
over the way I envisioned my life would be
and just trusting that God has a plan.
It's been very hard for me.
And of course, I have this vision of my life.
I want four to six kids.
So we start trying.
Everything's fine.
There's no problem to fix, which would make things a lot easier
if there was a problem to fix.
In the midst of all this infertility,
I have a sister who's 18 months younger than me,
and one day I get a phone call from my mom.
"Kayla, I have something to tell you."
And I just knew.
I just started crying.
And I just said, "No.
No, Mom.
No."
And she said, "Yeah, I'm sorry, Dahlia's passed away."
And I'm struggling to have a baby.
I'm struggling to bring this beautiful spirit into our home
and have this home, and I'm doing all the things,
and then I lose my sister.
So in my mind, I'm like, God doesn't want to give me a baby.
God wants to take my sister.
I stopped talking to Him.
I stopped praying.
I didn't want anything to do with it because why?
What good is it doing me?
I didn't like the person I was becoming because not only was I
not praying, I didn't want to talk to Him,
but when I was out and about, and I was around people
who were pregnant or talking about pregnancy, I envied them.
I didn't like the feeling in my heart that I was having.
And it wasn't me.
I knew it wasn't me.
My husband said to me, "Kayla, God
doesn't care if you're mad and angry.
He wants you to talk to him either way."
So I got down on my knees and I started praying.
I let it all out.
I just--I yelled, I said, "I'm angry.
I don't want to talk to You."
And then when I got done praying I thought,
gosh, that felt good.
And I felt some sort of peace from that,
which was like, OK, if I felt peace yelling
at God in my prayers, that must mean that he's
happy I'm talking to Him.
He's happy to hear from me.
Not just the good things; we don't just
pray when things are going good.
We're supposed to pray when things are hard.
We're supposed to pray when we don't
want to because He knows us.
He knows our heart.
He knows all of our trials, all of our sorrows,
all of the pain that we're going through--He already knows.
Sometimes we focus so much on, well,
if God can make this happen, then why
isn't He making it happen?
And I'm starting to accept more that maybe my life isn't going
to be what I envisioned and what I wanted,
what I think I deserve.
But it's OK.
I feel peace in the trials that I've
had because of the overwhelming amount of love that I feel
from my Savior and His grace.
So I feel like I can get through anything.
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