Welcome to our Digital Mini BYU Women's Conference.
My name is Sandra Rogers, chair of this year's conference.
Wherever you are, I am grateful to have you with us.
I'm delighted to introduce the speaker for this session.
Gaylamarie Rosenberg will address the topic,
"Gather to be Perfected, But Not Perfect."
Gaylamarie has been an adjunct faculty member
in the College of Religious Education at Brigham Young
University for 25 years, most recently
teaching The Living Prophets and The Eternal Family courses.
She has bachelor's and master's degrees from BYU.
She currently serves as a counselor in the Linden stake
Relief Society presidency and has taught welfare services
and senior missionaries at the Provo Missionary Training
Center.
She and her husband, John, have two daughters.
I invite you to read more about Sister Rosenberg on our Women's
Conference website.
We appreciate Gaylamarie's preparation
and know that you will enjoy her presentation.
The last two summers, my husband and I
had the unique experience walking
the way of St. James across northern Spain,
known as the Camino de Santiago.
The pilgrimage was initiated over 1,000 years ago
to celebrate the spread of Christianity in Europe,
traditionally honoring the apostle James
for his teaching in Spain.
Many people walk in honor of Christ,
celebrating how Christ has helped them,
or they walk seeking His help in healing.
The Camino de Santiago is marked by rolling
green hills, sparkling streams, beautiful wildflowers,
charming medieval churches, and quaint towns with lots of cows.
Last year, 347,000 people from 187 countries
walked some or all of the Camino path,
with the most traditional route being 500 miles long.
My favorite part of the experience
was watching people make connections.
One father brought his intellectually gifted son
to disconnect him from his computer
and to help him value connecting to God and others.
Another person walked the path to heal
from insecurity and bitterness resulting
from two abusive marriages.
Her goal was to open her heart to Christ
and seek His healing power as she walked.
One college student told me she wanted
to know if God loved her and cared about her.
"Does He believe in me?
With all the people in the world,
is there really a God in Heaven who knows me personally?"
Each person had their own reason for walking.
What I admired most were those who
sought to draw closer to Christ on their journey.
Speaking of a friend, William E. Berrett remarked,
"We could warm our hands by the fire of His faith."
I love that metaphor, because I imagine a long journey walking
together through life, with evening
fires to warm our hands.
On the Camino route, I often saw our BYU students
warming their hands by the faith of those around them.
Likewise, the fire of their faith
warmed the hands of many strangers
they met from all over the world,
gathering to share how they experience the light
and warmth of our Savior.
Why is gathering essential during our mortal pilgrimage?
I saw strangers gathered to honor Christ and to remind us
that we all belong to one another--brothers and sisters
in God's eternal family.
The Lord teaches us, "That ye may
be gathered in one, that ye may be my people
and I will be your God."
What does it mean to be gathered in one?
During this COVID-19 pandemic, we feel the loss of gathering.
Many feel lonely during this time of social distancing.
But the Lord reminds us that we are never alone.
We are encircled about eternally in the arms of His love
and safety.
We can take advantage of this time
to turn to our most important gatherings
with God and with family.
There is a stark contrast between the words "alone"
and "atone."
Both have the same root word, "one."
Alone means isolated, having no help and having no one present.
In contrast, atone means to become united or reconciled.
The good news of the Atonement is that we are not alone.
We have the Savior.
He invites us to be united at one with Him.
We progress with Him.
We become our best selves with Him.
We have hope and happiness because of Him.
Christ invites us into the perfect unity
with Him and our Father.
"That you may be one, even as We are one.
I am them and Thou in me, that they
may be made perfect in one."
Our Savior gathers us to be perfected in Him.
Elder Gerrit W. Gong taught, "Our campfire of faith
can encourage us to remember perfection is in Christ, not
in ourselves or in the perfectionism of the world."
Today I would like to discuss the pathway to perfection.
But first, it's important to understand
the paralyzing impact of perfectionism.
Psychologist Brene Brown describes perfectionism
as a self-destructive and addictive belief system that
fuels this primary thought.
If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything
perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings
of shame and judgment.
Perfectionism is not self-improvement;
it is about trying to earn approval and acceptance.
It is the deep fear of failing, making mistakes,
and disappointing others.
On The Great British Baking Show,
we see contestants square off to see
who will become "Star Baker."
The amateur baker's contest consists
of technical and showstopper challenges
of making biscuits, cakes, cookies, and breads.
The two judges often introduce a technical challenge
by saying, "The texture must be perfect,
the flavors must harmonize beautifully,
each item must look exactly alike.
We expect nothing less than perfection."
The stress on the contestants' faces is captivating.
Relief finally comes when "time's up"
is called, with some contestants collapsing on the floor
as if steam from an Instapot had been released.
Tears of disappointment flow when something was overbaked,
flavors didn't match, or texture was doughy.
We are glued to the screen with mouth's watering
to taste just one of those butter pecan maple
frosting laced tea biscuits.
We are stunned that something so delicious-looking
could be called a failure.
Does it really have to be perfect to be a success?
It's just a baking show, but what about real life?
Do we needlessly pour on pressure
with a similar standard of perfection?
Social media is perfectionism's battleground.
We think, "Kate is a gourmet cook and immaculate
housekeeper, while my husband does his own laundry
and is lucky to get a bowl of soup."
Or, "On Anne's Facebook page, her 10 beautiful children
are the picture of perfection, while we wake up at 10:00 a.m.
and hang out in our PJs all day."
Or, "I'm just a brownie baker, soup maker,
and perfect mom faker."
Perfectionism feeds on self-doubt.
"I can't do it," we say.
"I'm not as capable as her, and I'm
too overwhelmed to do it all."
I relate to the bumper sticker that
says, "God put me on earth to accomplish
a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will never die."
If your weaknesses are overwhelming,
you are not alone.
We all have imperfections.
No one is exempt, and none of us like them.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught, "My brothers and sisters,
except for Jesus, there have been
no flawless performances on this earthly journey
we are pursuing.
So while in mortality, let's strive for steady improvement
without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call
'toxic perfectionism.'"
I am thankful our Heavenly Father doesn't
expect us to be perfect yet.
God did not plan for us to have perfect abilities in this life
but to embrace our perfectability--the ability
to become perfect as He is, eventually.
President Russell M. Nelson helps
us understand the verse "Be ye therefore perfect,
even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."
He explains, "perfection" comes from the Greek word teleios,
which means complete, to reach a distant end,
to be fully developed or to finish.
No one is complete or fully developed, yet.
We are only in the early stages of our eternal pilgrimage.
"There are no ordinary people," wrote C.S. Lewis, "only
potential gods and goddesses in our midst."
We have potential to become like our perfect Heavenly Parents.
That is our long-term goal.
But what about our short-term goal
of dealing with our current state of imperfection?
Elder Maxwell taught, "There is no way the Church can honestly
describe where we must yet go and what we must yet
do without creating a sense of immense distance."
We all feel the gap between where we are
and where we need to go, much like the Camino pilgrims
on the first days of their journey,
wondering if they will ever reach their destination,
miles away.
Feelings of inadequacy must not prevent us from pressing
forward--they are often the very means by which we open
our hearts and seek the Savior's companionship.
In Doctrine and Covenants 62 we read, "Jesus Christ
as your advocate, who knoweth the weakness of man
and how to succor them."
We are not left alone to overcome feelings
of inadequacy and weakness.
The Savior offers to be our walking companion,
as with Enoch when he had self-doubt,
"Thou shalt abide in me and I in you--therefore walk with me."
I would like to highlight three things we
can do on our mortal pilgrimage to overcome feelings
of self-doubt, by (1) being patient with progress,
(2) focusing on what we can do instead of what we can't do,
and (3) seeing ourselves as Christ sees us.
Number one, being patient with progress.
Ten days after my husband and I were married,
we left for Spain to direct a study abroad group in Madrid.
I was excited to learn from him, since he
was a professor of Spanish literature.
We were both older when we met and felt fortunate to finally
find each other.
We had a short courtship before we married,
then hurried off to Spain before knowing each other long.
I had just completed graduate work in family sciences
and was determined to practice the skills and theories I
had studied on my new husband.
I was confident our marriage would be perfect from day one.
Several weeks into our trip, I felt a little neglected
because his mind seemed to be preoccupied with his work.
I looked at him one day and said, "Sometimes I
feel like you love Spain more than me."
He replied, smiling, "Well, I've known Spain longer."
I wasn't laughing, but he thought it was funny.
After all, it was a silly question.
Of course he loved me more than Spain.
I was his new bride.
He saw the serious look on my face
and said something like, "Can we just
enjoy where and who we are and not expect our marriage to be
perfect yet?"
He was inviting me to be happy with what our marriage was
at that stage and not be discouraged with what
we hadn't yet created.
After all, we'd only been married for one month.
I learned something important that day
about patience, perfection, and the creation process.
God is a patient Creator.
Elder Richard L. Evans taught, "There
seems to be little evidence that the Creator of the universe
was ever in a hurry.
Everywhere on this bounteous and beautiful earth,
and to the farthest reaches of the firmament,
there is evidence of patient purpose
and planning and working and waiting."
In Genesis 1, we read the account
of the creation of the Earth.
Verse 10 ends the third day of creation with the phrase,
"And God saw that it was good."
Then, after each subsequent day, we learn the same thing--each
day was good.
God was content with what He had created thus far.
He wasn't concerned that on day two
They had not yet created beautiful flowers and trees.
God was perfectly fine with no animals on day four.
My husband reminded me, "At the end of day five,
God did not say, 'After all this work and all this time,
all I have to show for my effort is fish?'" After each day
of creation, God was pleased with that day and progressed
toward day seven.
Our Heavenly Father views our perfectability the same way.
Each individual day or stage is good,
even the imperfect stages.
I believe He would say to us, "You are good.
Look at your progress this day.
Look how I have blessed you already."
We can feel satisfaction in our progress each day,
imperfect and messy as it may feel, and prepare ourselves
for the next day.
We should not think that God is disappointed with us
because we have not yet reached restful day seven.
Each day is good and necessary in His eyes.
My husband's request that I "enjoy
where and who we are and not expect
our marriage to be perfect, yet" was an invitation
to be patient.
He invited me to see the goodness and growth
in the present moment.
Like the creation process, I could be happy with my marriage
and enjoy each day we had to grow together
instead of expecting it to be perfect and complete already.
It gave me peace that he didn't expect me to be perfect,
and reminded me to do the same for him.
Patience allows us to walk together
without our imperfections blocking our path.
Impatience blinds us to the goodness in front of us.
We don't notice the garbage our husband took out
because we wish he were reading to the kids.
We don't acknowledge a daughter who
just said "thank you" because we want her
to pick up her dirty clothes.
We overlooked the neighbor who raked our leaves
because we want him to cut down his tree that's
scattering the leaves.
We fail to appreciate a sibling's gesture
to wish us happy birthday because she's 10 days late.
When we are impatient, we miss the daily goodness and growth
because it's not good enough.
We want it to be better now.
On the other hand, patience helps
us cherish others, regardless of their imperfections.
We enjoy each other without expectations
that we have to be better to do so.
One day my daughter made me breakfast in bed
for Mother's Day--burnt toast, cooked-to-death eggs,
spilled juice, accompanied with a handwritten note,
"I love you, Mom."
I couldn't get mad at her for making a mess in the kitchen.
I was just happy to be her mom.
Focusing on who our children are instead of who they are not
enables us to treasure who they are today.
Let's focus on patient progress instead
of immediate perfection.
"Ye are not able to abide the presence of God now--wherefore
continue in patience until ye are perfected."
On our personal journeys, we can imagine the Savior's
invitation, "Come join me.
Come warm your hands by the fire of my patience.
See how I have blessed you already.
Walk with Me, and together the glory of your potential
will be made known to you, one day at a time."
Number two, focusing on what we can do instead
of what we can't do.
I remember a parent-teacher conference
when my daughter was in fourth grade.
Her teacher explained how my daughter was
doing academically and socially, and then
said, "Just remember, whatever you focus on will increase.
If you focus on the negative, the negative will increase.
If you focus on the positive, the positive will increase."
He repeated the same message three times during our visit.
As I was leaving, he said again, "You know,
the one thing I wish parents would remember
is whatever they focus on with their children will increase."
I smiled, "I think I got it."
And I haven't forgotten.
"The joy we feel," President Nelson reminded us,
"has little to do with the circumstances of our lives
and everything to do with the focus of our lives"--a timely
reminder during these unsettled times.
Joy will increase if we focus on what we can do
instead of what we can't do, and focus on what we have
instead of what we don't have.
Psychologist Dan Baker explains that fear
is the enemy of happiness.
"Contemporary fear, I found, almost always fits into one
of two categories--fear of not having enough,
or fear of not being enough.
But focusing on weaknesses, like focusing
on anything else that's negative,
just reinforces fear."
Focusing on our fears fuels self-doubt.
We hear phrases like "I don't know enough; I can't do it;
I'm not smart enough, talented enough, beautiful enough,
good enough."
We simply fear we are not enough.
Three months into my mission in Guatemala,
I was assigned to train a new missionary,
manage a proselyting area, and train
the leaders in 13 wards and branches in welfare principles.
I was paralyzed with fear because I
couldn't speak Spanish well.
I couldn't understand what Guatemalans were saying to me,
and they had no idea what I was trying to say to them.
On the day of transfers, I approached my mission
president, a former colonel in the Marines, and said,
"President, I would never doubt your inspiration,
but are you sure you weren't thinking of someone else."
He looked at me and sternly said, "Sister, I
had the same concerns about your ability as you have,
so I went back to the Lord, and He got mad at me
for having doubts about you."
Then he turned and walked off.
I was speechless.
As he walked away, I thought, "Wow,
the Lord really knows who I am?
He thinks I can do this?
If He wants me to do this, then He
must be serious about helping me."
Then an inspired question came to my mind, "Are you willing?"
Was I willing to trust the Lord and willing to try with what
ability I had at the moment?
That experience challenged me to focus on what I could do
instead of what I couldn't do.
Hearing from my mission president
that the Lord did not doubt my ability
gave me determination to show God that I did not
doubt His ability to help me.
God asks that we start wherever we are and go forward
from there.
We might ask ourselves, "What can I do today
with what I do know and with what capability I do
have right now?"
The poor widow cast in two mites--her offering
to God--very small but enough.
We usually think of the story of the widow's mite
in terms of our monetary offerings,
but it also applies to all our gifts to Heavenly Father.
We offer what we have, like this widow,
however seemingly little that may be, knowing our effort
is acceptable and sufficient for the Lord.
The widow focused on what she could give,
not what she couldn't.
Likewise, focusing on what we can do
and showing our willingness to try is a signal to God
that we seek His help to enhance what ability we have.
Focusing on our weaknesses blinds us
to the "mites" we can offer.
A daughter misses soccer tryouts because she
fears she's not good enough, but she overlooks her ability
to learn fast and work hard.
A young man thinks he shouldn't serve a mission because he's
shy, but he overlooks his talent for loving people.
Or a mother who doesn't take a meal to a sick friend
because her cooking ability is limited,
but she overlooks her talent to give encouraging messages.
Baker adds, "I found that when I could help people find
their strengths, they didn't need
to go to war against their weaknesses."
President Thomas S. Monson counseled us,
"Your strengths are greater than your weaknesses.
Finding our strengths, our unique powers,
should be a purpose of the journey of life."
God needs us to find our gifts, talents, and strengths
and use them for good.
We need each other.
We grow together.
We can learn from so much goodness, strength, and talent
around us.
When we are on a quest to see how good we can become,
it is enough for the Lord to work with us and through us
to blessed lives around us.
Wherever our abilities may be, we often
feel stretched to our limits of capability.
I imagine the Savior gathering as, one by one,
and calming our fears.
"Come, warm your hands by the fire of my peace and strength.
I don't doubt your ability to contribute.
Please don't doubt my ability to strengthen you.
Whosoever is of a willing heart, let him bring it,
an offering of the Lord."
We honor Christ by offering what we do have and what we can do.
Number three, seeing ourselves as Christ sees us.
One of my favorite memories was watching my daughters,
as toddlers, staring and laughing at themselves as they
sat in front of a big mirror.
When they smiled, the mirror smiled back.
When they frowned, it frowned back.
When they danced, it danced with them.
They were amazed by what they saw in front of them.
Our greatest desire as parents is
that our children have a positive image of themselves.
Our Heavenly parents want the same for us.
I still remember this statement attached
to a picture of the Savior given to me by a Young Women leader,
"The greatest gift I could give to you
is for you to see yourself the way that I see you."
Too often what we see in the mirror
are flaws and imperfections.
We may see someone who is weak, fearful,
or untalented, with too many wrinkles and too much weight
to lose.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, "Some people can't get along
with themselves.
They criticize and belittle themselves all day long.
May I suggest that you reduce the rush
and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better.
Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you--as
His precious daughter or son with divine potential."
How can we see ourselves as God sees us?
The apostle Paul gives us insight in First Corinthians
13.
Following the verses on the characteristics of charity,
we read verse 12, "For now we see through a glass
darkly, but then face to face.
Now I know in part, then shall I know even as also I am known."
Paul did not use the word "glass"
as we have it in King James version of the Bible.
He used the Greek word for mirror.
Today we have mirrors that give us a crystal-clear image
of ourselves.
But in Paul's day, they polished metal
to function as mirrors, which offered only a blurry
reflection of themselves.
What I find fascinating is that Paul explains this verse
in the context of charity.
He gives us a key to understand how to know ourselves
as we are known by God.
Recognize God's charity for us, and share charity with others,
then we begin to understand how God sees us.
Charity is defined as the "pure love of Christ," the greatest
of all spiritual gifts.
When we understand Christ's pure love for us,
we look at ourselves differently.
When we share His charity with others,
we achieve a refined character like Him.
Then we look in the mirror and see a clear reflection
of Christ in our countenance.
Paul taught that we see a blurry reflection of our divine nature
now, but as we obtain the pure love of Christ,
we will see ourselves as Christ sees us.
Do we recognize Christ's charity for us?
Not too long ago, one of my students
shared, "I don't think I'm worthy of God's love.
I've made too many mistakes and committed too many sins.
I find it hard to believe that the Savior could take someone
as broken as me and see someone worth helping."
My heart went out to him.
The most important lesson we learned from the Savior
about His atoning sacrifice is that He loves us.
He paid the price for our sins because we are worth it.
He made it possible to overcome physical and spiritual death
because we are worth it.
He made the pathway to perfection possible because we
are worth it.
With all He has done for us, He seems to say,
"I did it all for you, because you are worth it to me.
You are worthy of my help because of who you really
are--a divine child of God with divine potential.
That makes you worth helping."
God wants us to know how much we mean to Him.
Thinking of the characteristics of charity as described by Paul
can help us understand how we experience Christ's charity.
He suffered for us, is kind to us.
He bears all things, hopes all things,
and endures all things for us.
Sister Jean B. Bingham said, "Jesus Christ
is the perfect embodiment of charity.
His supernal gift of the Atonement
and His continual efforts to bring us back
to our Heavenly Father are the ultimate expressions
of charity."
The Savior does not abandon us when we don't feel good
about ourselves.
He lovingly ministers to us with open arms.
We are good enough to be loved by Him whose charity is more
enduring than our self-doubt.
How does sharing Christ's charity
help us to see ourselves and others
through a less critical eye?
One mother said, "During our son's teenage years,
his behavior was very difficult to manage.
I had a hard time loving him.
I remember pouring out my heart to the Lord for help,
and the impression that came to my mind
was, "You may not feel like you can love him for you right now,
but can you love him for me?
Can you put away your irritations
and just love him for me?"
That was a turning point in my relationship with him.
I was willing to love my son for God.
Something beautiful happened with how
I saw my son's goodness.
I saw him and myself differently,
and I could feel greater love from God for both of us.
Can we love for Christ?
President Henry B. Eyring taught, "The place to start
is with our own hearts.
We can begin today to try to see those
we are to nourish as our Heavenly Father sees them
and so feel some of what He feels for them"
Seeing others through the eyes of God
helps us to feel warm and compassion
for one another and ourselves.
We learn to see beyond imperfections as we love others
and love ourselves--for God.
Sharing Christ's charity helps us
to overcome feelings of self-doubt
as we think less about our weaknesses
and more about loving for Him.
By experiencing and sharing the Savior's charity,
we see who we are and what we may become.
We see a reflection of ourselves in God's mirror,
because we are His children, made in His image.
I imagine Christ calling out to us
on our rocky road of insecurity and saying,
"Come join me by the fire.
Warm your hands with my compassion.
I love you.
"I see your goodness.
I see your heart.
I see the glorious being you are capable of becoming.
Stop the criticism and see yourself as I see you.
As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you.
Continue ye in my love."
Walking the Camino de Santiago in Spain taught me to be still.
It was an opportunity to be quiet, to ponder and listen.
I was reminded that God was there for me,
and it motivated me to show God that I was there
for Him, to hear Him.
In a medieval book compiled about the Camino de Santiago,
we find a Latin hymn that admonishes
pilgrims to go "farther and higher with God's help."
Walking the Camino, I watched people
gather from all over the world to go farther and higher
with the Savior's help.
All the Camino paths have a destination,
ending in Santiago de Compostela, a city named
after the apostle James.
As our students arrived in Santiago,
they hugged, cheered, and cried as they gathered
to celebrate having completed something truly difficult.
What made it meaningful to them were the relationships
they'd built as they walked.
They realized how much others helped them,
how they were able to help, and how God had helped them.
They knew they could not have completed the journey alone.
Likewise, we are not alone on our eternal pilgrimage
back to God's presence.
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin reminds us to never give up.
"Oh, it is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves
us, even with all of our flaws.
His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves,
He never will.
"We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today.
Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever.
Although we might settle for less,
Heavenly Father won't, for He sees us
as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming."
God gathers help for us.
We have "angels round about us to bear us up"
on both sides of the veil.
We don't always see who is round about to calm our fears,
strengthen us, and grant us peace,
but what we do know is that God sends help.
Most importantly, He sent His Son
to walk the pathway of perfection with us.
We see evidence of the Savior's footsteps beside us
and recognize the warmth of His patience, His charity,
and His strength.
He calls out, "Abide in Me, and I in you, therefore,
walk with me."
We honor Christ by being patient with ourselves and others.
We honor Him as we focus on what we can do, offering
our best to build His kingdom.
We honor Him by sharing His pure love with others.
I know He lives and loves us.
I know we will go farther and higher with His help.
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.