We all have an obligation to prevent abuse and protect others from abuse. Parents have a particular responsibility to teach their children about abuse and help them feel safe and protected. They also have the responsibility to teach children what to do if abuse happens.
There are common signs to watch for of how abuse often begins and continues. By understanding these patterns, we can know where to take action to prevent abuse from happening or to stop it if it has started.
Victims are most often abused by someone they know.
The offender may be a family member or relative, such as a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, or sibling, a family friend, or a neighbor. The offender can be any age. The offender is rarely a complete stranger.
Offenders may gradually gain the trust of the victim or their family members before the abuse occurs.
This is called “grooming.” Grooming most often happens to children or youth. Grooming occurs when someone befriends or attempts to create an emotional attachment with someone with the intention of abusing that person. Grooming behaviors can include requests for time alone, encouraging secrecy, talking about sexual topics, or showing pornography to or initiating physical contact with a child. Offenders will try to have extended one-on-one communications or contact. Grooming can also occur over the internet and through a child’s mobile device.
Offenders often begin by violating boundaries.
Boundaries are a person’s limits for the behavior or language that they think is okay or that keeps them safe. Abuse is a violation of someone’s boundaries. Abuse sometimes happens because there are no boundaries for proper behavior between two people. An offender may begin by stepping over boundaries in small ways to make someone feel more comfortable, desensitized, or used to the inappropriate behavior or language. An offender may also completely ignore boundaries.
Offenders often seek out those they can easily take advantage of.
Offenders will often seek out those who are vulnerable (such as the elderly, disabled, or children under age 18). They look for people who do not have the ability or understanding to give consent. They also look for those who may not be believed. Offenders also try to find those who they think will not fight back or are not able to tell other people about the abuse.
Offenders often try to isolate victims from others.
Offenders often try to keep those they are grooming or abusing from trusting or talking to others. They try to isolate the victim so he or she cannot or does not know how to reach out to others for support and help. They may also make threats against the victim’s family or use blame, shame, or blackmail to continue the abuse.
Understanding these commonalities can help you recognize or prevent situations that may lead to abuse. You can take action to stop the abuse before it occurs.
(Some of the resources listed below are not created, maintained, or controlled by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While these materials are intended to serve as additional resources, the Church does not endorse any content that is not in keeping with its doctrines and teachings.)
“What Is Domestic Violence?” The National Domestic Violence Hotline
“Grooming Behavior,” Monica Applewhite, director of Confianza, LLC
“Grooming,”Abuseandrelationships.org
“Grooming: What It Is, Signs and How to Protect Children,” National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children
“Creating a Family Safety Plan,” parentsprotect.co.uk
“Learn More,” National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Abuse is the treatment of others or self in a way that causes hurt or harm. It harms the mind, the spirit, and often the body as well. It is against the teachings of the Savior and the laws of society. Those who have been victims of abuse can be any age, any gender, and any background. They may be those who are less able to protect themselves, such as children, those with disabilities, or the elderly. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form—physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. Unfortunately, abuse can happen to anyone. Understanding what abuse is can help in talking about, recognizing, responding to, and healing from abuse.
Abuse can occur in any relationship, whether it is a family member, friend, spouse, or dating partner.
Sexual—Sexual abuse is any interaction that involves touching or non-touching behaviors in which a person is used for the sexual gratification of another person without both people agreeing. Child sexual abuse is any sexual activity between a child (of any age) and an adult. Child sexual abuse can also include sexual conduct between a child and a youth, especially when the youth is older or is in a position of power, trust, or control. It also includes the viewing, creation, and distribution of child pornography as well as viewing pornography with a child.
Physical—Physical abuse refers to the intentional injury of a person, such as striking, kicking, beating, biting, or any other action that leads to physical pain, injury, or visible marks or bruising.
Neglect—Neglect is a failure to meet someone’s basic needs, such as not providing enough food, shelter, or basic supervision; necessary medical or mental health treatment; adequate education; or emotional comfort. It includes leaving someone who needs constant care for extended periods of time without adequate supervision and support.
Emotional and Verbal—Emotional and verbal abuse is treating a person in a way that attacks his or her emotional development and sense of worth. Examples include constant faultfinding, belittling, rejection, and withholding of love, support, or guidance. It also includes a child witnessing domestic violence.
Financial—Financial abuse is when someone withholds, steals from, or controls access to another’s finances or property without permission. It is a form of fraud.
The following behaviors are against the teachings of the gospel. While not all of them would be defined as abuse, they are all harmful behaviors.
Grooming—Grooming occurs when someone befriends or attempts to create an emotional attachment and build trust with another person with the intention of sexually abusing that person. The intended victim is most often a child. Grooming behaviors can include giving gifts or favors, requests for time alone, talking about sexual topics, or showing pornography to or initiating physical contact with a child. Grooming can also occur over the internet and through a child’s mobile device.
Harsh Discipline—Children are helped and strengthened by appropriate and loving discipline. However, criticism or ridicule can undermine their confidence and feelings of self-worth and well-being. Positive discipline will help the child to learn right from wrong. Harsh discipline that causes physical injury is abuse and should be reported to legal authorities.
Harassment—Harassment creates a hostile environment that can cause problems ranging from decreased participation in normal activities to thoughts of suicide. It can include derogatory comments or gestures, innuendo, violating personal space, and looking at or commenting about private body parts. This can also include using online profiles or content to stalk another person or to intimidate them.
Bullying—“Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions” (“Bullying,” American Psychological Association, apa.org). Cyberbullying can include using online profiles or content to bully someone, such as sending or posting messages about another that are mean, intimidating, or threatening. It can also include intentionally damaging someone’s relationships or social standing.
Hazing—Hazing can occur when a peer imposes an inappropriate or humiliating task on another peer as part of an initiation into a group.
(Some of the resources listed below are not created, maintained, or controlled by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While these materials are intended to serve as additional resources, the Church does not endorse any content that is not in keeping with its doctrines and teachings.)
“Types of Abuse,” LoveIsRespect.org
Media resources about bullying, Inspiration (churchofjesuschrist.org)
Resources about bullying, Bullying (churchofjesuschrist.org)
Protecting children from abuse is a priority for parents and leaders. Prevention and protection begins at home. Prevention includes helping children and youth understand what abuse is and what they can do to protect themselves from it. Children should also be taught to not abuse others.
Having open communication with children is key to helping them understand what abuse is and how to protect themselves. These conversations can help you build trust and create a sense of safety with your children. This can help them feel safer talking to you if they have felt uncomfortable with how they’ve been treated or talked to. Children need to know that they can talk to you about anything, including the following:
Understanding their bodies, their anatomy, and their sexuality
Situations that make them uncomfortable
If they have experienced or are experiencing abuse
Sister Joy D. Jones, General Primary President, taught: “Part of protection is creating strong, trusting, consistent relationships. These types of relationships help to draw our children close. As we build strong relationships of trust and protect our children and grandchildren—or any child—we give them a safe place to turn” (“It Starts with Us” [address given at the 2018 Utah Coalition Against Pornography conference, Mar. 10, 2018], mormonnewsroom.org).
As a parent or trusted adult, you should be an example of what you teach children about preventing abuse. For example, you should not force children to express affection (such as give a hug or kiss to someone) if they do not want to, even if you don’t want another person’s feelings to be hurt.
Teach children the following principles. Help them understand that even though you teach them about how to prevent abuse, abuse can still happen. If it does, it is not your fault, nor is it the child’s fault (see “What if I think the abuse is my fault?”). Adapt your conversations to the age, maturity, and understanding of your child.
These are things you can say when you talk to your children about preventing abuse:
It is okay to say no, even to an adult.
You are in charge of your body. This means that you can decide if someone can touch you, hug you, or kiss you.
If you are being touched or treated inappropriately or asked to do something that makes you feel embarrassed, awkward, or self-conscious, it is okay to say no and get away, if possible.
Sometimes you might feel like giving someone a hug or kiss and sometimes you might not—and that is okay. You can practice saying “No,” “Don’t touch me,” and “Leave me alone.”
There are parts of your body that are private where another person should not touch you.
Private parts include those covered by a swimming suit. It is not okay for others to touch your private parts either under or over your clothes. They should not take pictures of you without your clothes. Also, if someone asks you to touch them or another person in parts of their body that are private, it is not okay.
It is not okay for someone to force, threaten, or entice you to participate in physical contact or any sexual behavior.
If someone asks you to do something you know to be wrong, you can say no.
Some examples of how they might force, threaten, or entice you include the following:
They use their position, authority, age, size, or what they know to force you to do what they want.
They say that they do not want to be your friend unless you do what they say.
They take something of yours and will not give it back unless you do what they say.
They threaten to spread lies about you unless you participate.
They offer you gifts, favors, or other rewards for participating.
They threaten to hurt you or someone in your family if you don’t do what they say.
Do not hide the abuse.
There are differences between a secret and a surprise. A surprise is something like a birthday or Christmas present that will eventually be shared. A secret is when someone tells you not to tell anyone. If you are asked to keep a secret about someone touching or hurting you, you should immediately talk to a trusted adult.
Talk to trusted adults about how to get to a safe place if something happens.
There are some things you can try to do to get to a safe place if you are in an abusive situation. Even if you can’t get away, talk to a trusted adult about what happened or is happening as soon as you can.
Even if you do your best to stay safe, people still might hurt you.
If someone touches you or hurts you, it is not your fault. Tell a trusted adult if something bad happens. No matter what happens, you are always loved.
You can always talk to me or another trusted adult.
You can talk to me if you have been touched or if someone made you do something to feel unsafe. Even if you have been told nobody will believe you, I will believe you.
If you are not able to tell me, please tell another adult you trust. A trusted adult can help protect you and get you the support that you need. Make a list of people who listen to you and who you feel safe with. A trusted adult may be a parent, grandparent, other relative, teacher, Church leader, doctor, or school counselor.
Just as it is important to teach children how to prevent abuse or respond if someone is trying to abuse them, it is also essential for children to understand that they should respect others. We should treat all people with kindness and respect. Following the guidelines for conduct and behavior as described in For the Strength of Youth is a good place to start. Also teach children the following principles:
It is not okay to hurt someone else—physically, verbally, or emotionally—no matter what. Do not say things to put people down or that will hurt other people. Do not create or share pictures, videos, or messages that are harmful and hurtful to other people.
You should not touch the private parts of another person, even if you or they ask. Do not take off your clothes in front of someone. And do not look at another person’s private parts.
When someone says no or asks you to stop doing or saying something, listen to them. If the other person does not want to be touched, tickled, or kissed or participate in any other behavior, do not do it.
Do not bully others or force other people to do things that you want them to do. Respect their agency.
(Some of the resources listed below are not created, maintained, or controlled by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While these materials are intended to serve as additional resources, the Church does not endorse any content that is not in keeping with its doctrines and teachings.)
“Talking to Your Kids About Sexual Assault,” Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
“Talking with Your Children About Abuse,” archbalt.org
“Tips for Talking to Children About Child Abuse,” ovc.ojp.gov
“How We Can Address Abuse,” churchofjesuschrist.org
“RESPECT! Conversation Starters: Respectful Relationships,” Futures Without Violence
“Child Sexual Abuse Prevention,” preventchildabuse.org
“How can we prevent child sexual abuse?” Parents Protect
“Teaching Good Touch Bad Touch,” Family Help Center
“Tip Sheet: Don’t Wait: Everyday Actions To Keep Kids Safe,” Stop It Now
“How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Any Relationship,” Mormon Channel
“You Can Get Teens to Talk,” Ensign, Oct. 1993
Lesson Helps for Teaching Children: Abuse, churchofjesuschrist.org
“Find a Trusted Adult to Talk To,” Wiki How
Teaching your children to use technology wisely can help your children stay protected from those who would seek to harm them. It also helps them learn standards for safety and how they can avoid hurting others through things such as cyberbullying or online harassment. As a parent, you can be the model for how to use technology safely and appropriately. Pay attention to your own habits and modify them as needed.
Sister Joy D. Jones, General Primary President, taught: “Whatever the needs are for our individual families, let’s teach each family member to use technology wisely and positively from the start—to develop a moral mindset. Let’s educate children in constructive ways to use technology for good. We can teach them to evaluate by asking themselves, ‘Will using this serve a good purpose?’ Our choices in how we teach our families now will influence future generations” (“It Starts With Us” [address given at Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference, Mar. 10, 2018], mormonnewsroom.org).
An essential part of safety is making sure children have access to digital devices only when they are old enough to use them responsibly. When you feel your child can appropriately handle technology, set standards together that will help keep the family safe.
It is important for children to know that not everyone who is online is a “friend.” Regularly teach children how to use digital devices wisely.
Children should know that you are invested in helping them. Consider discussing the following when developing a safe technology plan with your children:
How to create appropriate posts for social networking sites.
How to handle cyberbullying or inappropriate texting.
What to do when they see inappropriate behavior or images.
What information or content is inappropriate to share online.
Where it is appropriate and safe to use digital devices.
Why parents have the responsibility to set safety standards and access to digital devices.
Keep your focus on how to prevent future problems. The child may already feel worried and ashamed if they have seen or participated in inappropriate content or behavior, and your calm approach will help him or her feel confident enough to approach you in the future.
Consider some of the following standards for the family, and set guidelines together. Have a discussion with your children about:
Limiting internet access.
Limiting online contacts to family and close family friends.
Establishing acceptable times and time limits for technology use.
Setting a regular time each day or week when the family “unplugs” from digital devices.
Establishing technology-free zones in certain areas of the home.
Setting up a family recharging station where children plug in digital devices each night at bedtime.
Blocking inappropriate or unsafe applications, many of which allow unfilterable content.
Following each other on social media platforms.
Keep in mind that settings and filters will not block all inappropriate content. However, there are many resources that can help.
Safe-mode settings or safety apps. Add-on applications allow you to select safe content for your children, review how much time they spend on different activities, and restrict them from viewing objectionable content. You can also set search and streaming platforms to filter out inappropriate content.
Internet content filters. Filters can prevent certain harmful material from reaching young children. Consider filtering software, hardware filters, and internet proxy filters.
Help children understand that the most important and effective type of filter is inside their own minds and hearts. Asking these questions can be a good first step:
Am I using technology in uplifting ways?
Am I keeping my personal information safe from others?
Am I building others up or tearing them down?
Am I careful about what I share online?
With guidelines firmly in place and with the Holy Ghost as our guide, we can use digital media to expand our search for things that are “virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy” (Articles of Faith 1:13).
(Some of the resources listed below are not created, maintained, or controlled by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While these materials are intended to serve as additional resources, the Church does not endorse any content that is not in keeping with its doctrines and teachings.)
“Apply Key Messages from ‘Safeguards for Using Technology’ Booklet in Your Home,” news.lds.org
Safeguards for Using Technology (booklet, 2015)
Educator Resources, iKeepSafe
“Kids on Social Media and Gaming,” stopbullying.gov
“The Spirit can Help me Choose Good Media,” addressingpornography.lds.org
Internet Filtering (Family Safety), LDSTech Wiki