Abuse is the neglect or mistreatment of others in such a way that causes physical, emotional, or sexual harm. It goes against the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form.
“The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form” (Handbook 1: Stake Presidents and Bishops [2010], 17.3.2). Abuse violates the laws of God and may also be a violation of the laws of society. The Lord expects us to be vigilant in preventing abuse and to protect and help those who have been victims of abuse. No one is expected to endure abusive behavior.
If you are being abused or have been abused in the past, you do not have to face this alone. You may feel confused, powerless, frightened, isolated, ashamed, or as if you have lost your worth. “Remember the worth of [your soul] is great in the sight of God” (Doctrine and Covenants 18:10), and you are “as precious in his sight as [any] other” (Jacob 2:21). Friends, family, Church leaders, and others can connect you to resources that will help you feel safe so that you can heal and remember your worth. You are loved, and you can find hope and healing through the Savior Jesus Christ because of His atoning sacrifice.
This content has been created to help those who have been victims of abuse and to help leaders and others minister to individuals and their families impacted by abuse. There are many different terms that are used to describe people who have experienced abuse. For this site, the word victim is used to describe any person who has experienced or is experiencing abuse.
This information provides guidance and resources to:
Help victims of abuse find hope, help, and healing.
Help family members, friends, or others recognize abuse and know what to do to get help for victims.
Help parents talk to their children about abuse.
Counseling resources and information for ward council members on the topic of abuse can be found at CounselingResources.org.
Leaders should consider ways to ensure that members are aware of these resources. Members and leaders are encouraged to learn about and use trusted local resources for crisis help as well as long-term support.
Healing is possible. You can heal from any manner of abuse with the help of the Savior through His Atonement.
When you have been hurt, the idea that the pain you carry could be replaced with peace may be almost impossible to believe. Your wounds may go unnoticed and unrecognized for years. Others may not know of your pain because you mask the hurt by smiling and living life as if nothing is wrong.
While the Prophet Joseph Smith was imprisoned in Liberty Jail, he wrote an epistle to the Church, which included the “duty of the Saints in relation to their persecutors” (see Doctrine and Covenants 123, section heading). In the epistle, he did not tell the Saints who had suffered persecution and physical injuries to keep their hurt to themselves and pretend like nothing happened. Rather, he instructed them to gather the accounts of their suffering and present them to authorities.
Likewise, you do not need to hide or pretend like nothing happened. You may feel helpless, powerless, confused, lonely, or isolated. Whatever you might think or feel, know that you are of infinite worth and you are loved (see Doctrine and Covenants 18:10).
Healing will help reduce your pain. It is a process that takes time, but it is possible with the help of the Savior Jesus Christ because of His atoning sacrifice on our behalf.
The healing process includes the following steps:
Acknowledging and grieving loss
Sharing your burden with others
Recognizing the impact of abuse in your life and seeking professional counseling if needed
Understanding that your abusive experience does not define you
Trusting in God’s capacity to heal
Ask yourself the following as you work through this process:
How has abuse impacted my life?
Where am I in the healing process?
What can help me move forward?
Consider comparing the emotional healing process with that of caring for and treating a physical injury. Suppose that when you were young, you broke your leg. Rather than going to the doctor to get it set, you hobbled along until the deep pain was gone, but there is always a slight pain with each step you take. Years later you want the pain to go away, so you go to a doctor. The doctor must reset the bone, clean away any buildup that has grown, cast it, and send you to physical therapy to strengthen your leg.
When seeking healing from abuse, you must first recognize that the pain is real and that something can be done about it. This includes acknowledging what happened and allowing the feelings of being hurt, scared, and sad to be validated. Often it is helpful to work with a professional counselor experienced in this healing process. (Check with your bishop to learn what Family Services resources are available in your area.)
As you work through healing, your memories of the abuse might remain; however, the intensity of the emotions and the negative impact these experiences have on your life will diminish and may eventually become almost nonexistent.
Whether or not you have access to professional help, it will help to pray, study the life of the Savior and His Atonement, get support from others, and seek spiritual help from a Church leader (see “Where can I turn for support?”). Church leaders may help ease your burden, and they can receive inspiration to help you understand your divine worth and relationship with your Father in Heaven and the Savior.
Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles declared: “I solemnly testify that when another’s acts of violence, perversion, or incest hurt you terribly, against your will, you are not responsible and you must not feel guilty. You may be left scarred by abuse, but those scars need not be permanent. …
“Understand that healing can take considerable time. Recovery generally comes in steps. It is accelerated when gratitude is expressed to the Lord for every degree of improvement noted” (“Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse,” Ensign, May 1992, 32).
As you work through the healing process, you can, with the Savior’s help, develop the capacity to forgive those who have harmed you.
Part of healing is getting to a place where you can let go of how the offender is held accountable for his or her actions. Whether or not a person is held accountable by civil authorities, every offender will one day have to stand before God (Doctrine and Covenants 137:9).
Regardless of when or how the offender is held accountable, you can be assured that when anyone “exercise[s] control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:37; italics added). See “Is it possible to forgive?” for more help.
(Some of the resources listed below are not created, maintained, or controlled by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While these materials are intended to serve as additional resources, the Church does not endorse any content that is not in keeping with its doctrines and teachings.)
“Healing from Sexual Abuse,” Chieko N. Okazaki, BYU devotional, Oct. 23, 2002 (PDF) (video)
“To Be Free of Heavy Burdens,” Richard G. Scott, Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2002
“Bridge to Hope and Healing,” Nanon Talley, Ensign, Apr. 2017
“Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse,” Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1992
“The Atonement Covers All Pain,” Kent F. Richards, Ensign or Liahona, May 2011
“The Master Healer,” Carole M. Stephens, Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2016
Overcoming Trauma, Elizabeth Smart, The Daily Goalcast
Yes, you are of great worth (see Doctrine and Covenants 18:10). You have infinite and eternal worth as a child of God, and abuse cannot diminish or take away your worth in His sight.
If you have been abused, you may feel unworthy of attention or love from others, including Heavenly Father. You may also think that the abuse has caused you to lose your worthiness to receive blessings of the gospel. However, your worth is not determined by anything that happens to you.
Sister Joy D. Jones, General Primary President, explained that “spiritual worth means to value ourselves the way Heavenly Father values us, not as the world values us. Our worth was determined before we ever came to this earth” (“Value beyond Measure,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2017, 14).
Abuse can create confusion in your heart and mind, causing you to question your worth or worthiness. However, abuse does not diminish or take away your worth because your worth never changes.
You may have some of the following thoughts or feelings:
I’m not worthy.
I could have prevented this.
I am guilty.
God doesn’t love me anymore.
Nobody will ever love me.
I am damaged beyond repair.
The Savior’s Atonement applies to others, but not me.
I need to be perfect.
These feelings are common, but they are lies that come from the adversary. Heavenly Father and the Savior’s love for you is never diminished. You are worthy of love. Consider the Apostle Paul’s words:
“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
“Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38–39).
Knowing the source of all truth, our Father in Heaven, can help you dispel your fears or negative thoughts.
The scriptures help us understand how we can recognize inspiration and direction from our Heavenly Father: “Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God” (Moroni 7:12).
You may need help from others to work through your unhealthy thoughts and feelings. The sooner you get help, the easier it will be to develop power over these incorrect beliefs. It is never too late to get the help and support you need to work through and dispel these beliefs.
Your worthiness is not determined by anything that happens to you, and you do not need to repent for what someone has done to you.
For those who have been sexually abused, you may feel that you are morally unclean or that you have broken the law of chastity. “Victims of sexual abuse are not guilty of sin. … If you have been a victim of abuse, know that you are innocent and that God loves you” (For the Strength of Youth [booklet, 2011], 36). Your virtue cannot be taken from you by the actions of others.
Among the most important truths we can come to know and understand in this life are who our Heavenly Father is; who His Son, Jesus Christ is; who we are as children of God; and what our relationship is to the Father and the Son (see John 15:1–5; Romans 8:16–17; Doctrine and Covenants 50:41).
Elder D. Todd Christofferson declared, “God’s love is infinite and it will endure forever” (“Abide in My Love,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2016, 48). God wants us to feel “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, [and] temperance” (Galatians 5:22–23). As you understand that Heavenly Father loves you, you will begin to understand and believe your great worth.
There is nothing that can happen in this life, including the actions of others, that has the power to diminish your worth.
President Thomas S. Monson said: “Your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you. That love never changes. … It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there” (“We Never Walk Alone,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2013, 123–24).
“The Great and Wonderful Love,” Anthony D. Perkins, Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2006
“Satan—The Great Deceiver,” Marion G. Romney, Ensign, July 1971
“Knowing Who You Are—and Who You Have Always Been,” Sheri Dew, BYU Women’s Conference
“Our Identity and Our Destiny,” Tad R. Callister (Brigham Young University devotional, Aug. 14, 2012)
The Savior can comfort and heal you. The Savior experienced our pain, afflictions, temptations, infirmities, and sickness of every kind (see Alma 7:11–12). He knows how to help, support, heal, and comfort you in your time of need. He can take away your pain and sorrow.
As a victim of abuse, you may wonder how the Savior can help heal you. You may think that the Savior’s atoning sacrifice was only for those who sin and need to repent. You are not to blame for the abuse you have experienced, nor do you need to be forgiven of actions someone has taken against you. So how does the Savior help you? Because of His sacrifice, He understands what every single person has gone through. Although we may not know exactly how the Savior was able to feel all our pains, we can have faith that He understands each man, woman, and child in a perfect way (see 2 Nephi 9:21). He can provide peace and strength to move forward.
You can seek the Savior’s healing power and trust that He will help you.
Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught,
“The Savior has suffered not just for our sins and iniquities—but also for our physical pains and anguish, our weaknesses and shortcomings, our fears and frustrations, our disappointments and discouragement, our regrets and remorse, our despair and desperation, the injustices and inequities we experience, and the emotional distresses that beset us.
“There is no physical pain, no spiritual wound, no anguish of soul or heartache, no infirmity or weakness you or I ever confront in mortality that the Savior did not experience first. In a moment of weakness we may cry out, ‘No one knows what it is like. No one understands.’ But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He has felt and borne our individual burdens. And because of His infinite and eternal sacrifice (see Alma 34:14), He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy. He can reach out, touch, succor, heal, and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do relying only upon our own power” (“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2014, 89–90).
The Savior has the power to help you and heal you, if you will allow Him. Sometimes He will take the burden away and sometimes He will help you “bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions” (Alma 34:41). While you may still feel pain, you do not have to carry this pain alone.
President James E. Faust taught: “The injured should do what they can to work through their trials, and the Savior will ‘succor his people according to their infirmities’ [Alma 7:12]. He will help us carry our burdens. Some injuries are so hurtful and deep that they cannot be healed without help from a higher power and hope for perfect justice and restitution in the next life. Since the Savior has suffered anything and everything that we could ever feel or experience, He can help the weak to become stronger. He has personally experienced all of it. He understands our pain and will walk with us even in our darkest hours” (“The Atonement: Our Greatest Hope,” Ensign, Nov. 2001, 20).
You can draw on the Savior’s help and healing power by honestly and sincerely praying to Heavenly Father for peace, comfort, and healing. You can also do this by learning more about Jesus Christ and His Atonement.
President Russell M. Nelson taught that there are four things that we can do to “draw into our lives the power of our Lord and Master, Jesus Christ.” He counseled us to:
Learn about the Savior.
Choose to have faith in Him and follow Him.
Make and keep sacred covenants.
Reach up to Him.
President Nelson explained, “The more we know about the Savior’s ministry and mission—the more we understand His doctrine and what He did for us—the more we know that He can provide the power that we need for our lives” (see “Drawing the Power of Jesus Christ into Our Lives,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2017, 39–41).
While the Savior provides peace and comfort through the Holy Ghost, He often invites other people to serve us as well. President Spencer W. Kimball taught the following truth: “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs” (“Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974, 5).
As a victim of abuse, you may feel like you are all alone. As you pray to Heavenly Father, ask Him for the ability to recognize when people are reaching out to help you. Then humbly allow others to assist you in small and simple ways. Sometimes this person may be a ministering brother or sister, a spouse or other family member, or a Church leader (see “Where can I turn for support?”). Let them help you connect with other resources for protection and healing, including medical help, professional counselors, and Church leaders. As you combine spiritual support with professional help, you can begin to find hope and healing.
“Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease,” David A. Bednar, Ensign or Liahona, May 2014
“Drawing the Power of Jesus Christ into Our Lives,” Russell M. Nelson, Ensign or Liahona, May 2017
“He Lives! All Glory to His Name!” Richard G. Scott, Ensign or Liahona, May 2010
“The Atonement: Our Greatest Hope,” James E. Faust, Ensign, Oct. 2001
“In the Strength of the Lord,” David A. Bednar, Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2010
If you are a victim of abuse, you are not responsible for what happened. It does not matter where you were, what you said or did, what you were wearing, or what happened beforehand. Speaking to victims of abuse, Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles stated, “I solemnly testify that when another’s acts of violence … hurt you terribly, against your will, you are not responsible and you must not feel guilty” (“Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse,” Ensign, May 1992).
While others may have tried to reassure you that the abuse is not your fault, it is still common to believe you are at fault for what has happened.
Some reasons victims may feel at fault include the following:
They have been accused of lying.
They were told the abuse was their fault.
They think they could have or should have stopped it.
The offender was manipulative.
The offender made it seem the abuse was wanted or triggered by the victim.
They feel they did something to encourage it.
They thought the behavior was normal.
They didn’t know that what was happening was abuse.
They were led to believe that they must repent, as if they had somehow sinned by being abused.
No matter what you may feel or what you have been told, you are not to blame for the actions of others.
In situations of abuse, the offender has used his or her agency to hurt you. You are not responsible for a choice made by someone else.
In a BYU devotional address, Professor Benjamin M. Ogles gave the following analogy:
“Some wonder if they did something wrong to deserve this circumstance. Some question their own behavior and wonder if they did something to encourage the other person to ignore their wishes—as if they somehow invited this behavior. Especially if they made other decisions around the time of the incident that they now see as questionable, they may think they are somehow partially responsible for what happened to them. But you are not responsible for that to which you did not consent! That is the essence of agency.
“Let me illustrate with a personal experience. In 1990 our family moved to a very small community in southeast Ohio called The Plains. On the first night, someone broke into our car and took everything they wanted to keep. When I discovered the theft, several thoughts came immediately to mind:”
“‘If I had only parked closer to the house and away from the street.’
“‘It’s my own fault; I should have locked the car doors.’
“‘How naïve of me to think we were safe just because this is a small, rural town.’
“‘If I had been more alert, I could have prevented this from happening.’
“Do you see how I took responsibility for a crime committed by someone else? No matter where I had parked, how naïve I had been, or whether I had locked the doors or not, no one has the right to take things from my car without my permission. I was not responsible for the theft. Yet I automatically took the blame because I could imagine things that I thought I should have done differently” (“Agency, Accountability, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ: Application to Sexual Assault” [Brigham Young University devotional, Jan. 30, 2018], 5–6, speeches.byu.edu).
In the Book of Mormon we learn, “Whosoever doeth iniquity, doeth it unto himself; for behold, ye are free” (Helaman 14:30; italics added)
If you are a victim of abuse, it is not your fault. You are not to blame for the actions of others regardless of the circumstances, and healing is possible through the Savior Jesus Christ.
(Some of the resources listed below are not created, maintained, or controlled by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While these materials are intended to serve as additional resources, the Church does not endorse any content that is not in keeping with its doctrines and teachings.)
“It’s Never Your Fault: The Truth about Sexual Abuse,” National Child Traumatic Stress Network
“It Wasn’t Your Fault,” National Association for People Abused in Childhood
“Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse,” Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1992
“Agency, Accountability, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ: Application to Sexual Assault,” Benjamin M. Ogles (Brigham Young University devotional, Jan. 30, 2018)
“Why Childhood Sexual Abuse can NEVER be your fault,” Pandora’s Project: Support and resources for survivors of rape and sexual abuse
Support can come in many forms and from a variety of sources. Heavenly Father often answers our prayers by providing support through others. The Savior himself received support from disciples and friends. He even received strength from an angel while suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane (see Luke 22:43). Receiving love and support is essential in helping you heal.
If you are feeling alone, know there are people who love you and want to help you, including your Heavenly Parents, the Savior, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. They can be your greatest sources of support. The Savior has experienced all your pains and afflictions, even those caused by others, and He knows how to help you (see Alma 7:11–12). The Holy Ghost can give us comfort, peace, and spiritual strength to keep moving forward. Through prayer to your Heavenly Father, seek help, and you will be guided to people who can offer support.
Deciding when and from whom to ask for support is a personal decision. Initially, you may find it hard to reach out to family and friends or Church leaders for help. It may be easier to share with a support group or counselor (see “Should I get professional help?”). Asking for help can be scary, but as you do, you may be surprised at the amount of love and acceptance you feel.
Choose people who are supportive of gospel principles. Professional counselors should be licensed (where applicable) and qualified to help in cases of abuse.
(Some of the resources listed below are not created, maintained, or controlled by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While these materials are intended to serve as additional resources, the Church does not endorse any content that is not in keeping with its doctrines and teachings.)
“Connect Directory,” Victim Connect resource center
“Support Groups,” Organizations for Adult Survivors of Abuse,” Find Support Groups | Mental Health America healthfinder.gov
Getting help can improve your life, increase your feelings of self-worth, and strengthen your relationships. You do not have to carry the pain caused by abuse alone, and you don’t have to carry it forever.
Because of the abuse that happened to you, you may have a difficult time feeling joy. However, Heavenly Father wants you to experience joy. President Dallin H. Oaks said: “One of the greatest of all God’s revelations is Father Lehi’s teaching that ‘men are, that they might have joy.’ (2 Ne. 2:25.) Joy is more than happiness. Joy is the ultimate sensation of well-being” (“Joy and Mercy,” Ensign, Nov. 1991, 73).
Help can come in various forms. It may include protection by civil authorities, guidance from professional counselors, or support from others (see “Where can I turn for support?”).
If you have been or are being abused or if you feel unsafe, you may need immediate help from civil authorities, child protective services, adult protective services, or medical professionals. You may also seek help from a lawyer or victim advocate. These services can help protect you and prevent further abuse (see “In Crisis” for immediate help).
No matter when you were abused, you can benefit from support and professional help. Most victims heal best when someone believes them, they have their feelings validated, they feel safe and protected, and they understand how the abuse has affected them. Support can help you find peace and not feel alone as you seek to find healing.
Getting help can also provide you with the following:
A connection to others
Someone who can listen with compassion
Someone who can support you
A belief that healing is possible
Feelings of love and acceptance
Guidance through the healing process
Courage and ability to move forward through the healing process
More positive thoughts
Finding support may help you begin to feel hope. It can also help you find happiness and joy.
(Some of the resources listed below are not created, maintained, or controlled by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While these materials are intended to serve as additional resources, the Church does not endorse any content that is not in keeping with its doctrines and teachings.)
“A Bridge to Hope and Healing,” Nanon Talley, Liahona, Apr. 2017
“Healing from Trauma and Moving On,” HelpGuide.org
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network: Information on crisis hotlines, mental health guidance, help for abused or neglected children, help for sexually abused children, responding to disasters, and victim assistance and compensation programs.
RAINN.org (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): programs to help prevent sexual violence, help survivors, and bring offenders to justice.
Forgiveness is only possible through the power of the Savior Jesus Christ. If you have been a victim of abuse, you may feel that forgiveness is a seemingly impossible task. The unhealthy thoughts and feelings that come from the pain of the abuse can be intense. You may feel that you can never be free of them. You may also feel pressure to just “forgive and forget” about the abuse and feel guilty that you are having a difficult time forgiving.
There are varying degrees of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual injuries that result from abuse, and no one can determine your level of pain except for you. Every injury takes time to heal, and deeper injuries require more time, just as a broken arm takes longer to heal than a paper cut. The deeper the injury—whether physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual—the longer it might take to heal.
As you work through the healing process, you can, with the Lord’s help, begin to forgive those who have harmed you. You might not be able to forgive immediately. This ability to forgive comes from the power of our Savior Jesus Christ, who, through the Atonement, took upon Himself and felt the very pain you feel now (Alma 7:11–12). You can be made free of the influence this pain may have over you. The Lord loves you no matter how deep the pain is or how long it takes to heal.
President James E. Faust said: “Forgiveness is not always instantaneous. … Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours” (“The Healing Power of Forgiveness,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2007, 68).
Forgiveness helps us to live with peace and joy once more.
President Faust quoted Dr. Sidney Simon: “Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves” (in “The Healing Power of Forgiveness,” 68).
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the offense ever occurred or pretending it never happened. It does not mean that you allow the abuse to continue. It does not mean that it is possible for all relationships to be healed. And it does not mean the offender will not be held accountable for his or her actions. It means the Savior can help you let go.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught what forgiveness of deep offenses looks like. He said, “It is … important for some of you living in real anguish to note what [the Savior] did not say. He did not say, ‘You are not allowed to feel true pain or real sorrow from the shattering experiences you have had at the hand of another.’ Nor did He say, ‘In order to forgive fully, you have to reenter a toxic relationship or return to an abusive, destructive circumstance.’ But notwithstanding even the most terrible offenses that might come to us, we can rise above our pain only when we put our feet onto the path of true healing. That path is the forgiving one walked by Jesus of Nazareth, who calls out to each of us, ‘Come, Follow Me’” (“The Ministry of Reconciliation,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2018).
You may think you need to forgive yourself because of the abuse. Please remember that you are not to blame for the actions of others (see “What if I think the abuse is my fault?”).
You may also be struggling to forgive yourself for negative choices you may have made to cope with the pain of the abuse. It is important to learn how to have compassion for yourself. The Lord has said that He “suit[s] his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men” (Doctrine and Covenants 46:15). He knows what you need and how He can help you.
(Some of the resources listed below are not created, maintained, or controlled by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While these materials are intended to serve as additional resources, the Church does not endorse any content that is not in keeping with its doctrines and teachings.)
“Faith to Forgive Grievous Harms: Accepting the Atonement as Restitution,” James R. Rasband (Brigham Young University devotional, Oct. 23, 2012)
“The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality,” David A. Bednar, Ensign or Liahona, May 2012
“The Ministry of Reconciliation,” Jeffrey R. Holland, Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2018
“Forgiveness,” Steve Gilliland, Ensign, Aug. 2004
“Forgiving Others: Misconceptions and Tips,” Elizabeth Lloyd Lund, Ensign, Apr. 2018
“Friends Again at Last: Justice and Mercy in the Warming Glow of Charity,” Lance B. Wickman, Ensign, June 2000
“Perfection Pending,” Russell M. Nelson, Ensign, Nov. 1995
“Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness,” Mayo Clinic
If you have been a victim of abuse, you may feel like you will never be able to fully trust anyone again. You may question whether you can ever depend on someone else, yourself, or even God to keep you safe. The feelings of betrayal from abuse can be especially difficult to overcome when the offender is someone close to you, and sometimes even more so when it is someone you depended on to protect you.
The seriousness of some offenses can explain why it may take you a long time to rebuild trust and restore a feeling of safety after abuse. Also, the destructive nature of your abuse may prevent you from ever being able to rebuild trust with an offender. Remember that forgiving someone does not mean you must trust him or her.
Healthy relationships, both new and existing, are built on trust. You can choose to trust others when they are willing to do things that build or rebuild trust with you. Learning to trust others requires time and constant nurturing.
Building trust is like a bank account that grows or lessens depending on the deposits or withdrawals that are made. As you build an account of trust with someone, remember the following principles:
You are the owner of your account—you choose who will earn your trust.
Build trust at your own pace—you should not feel pressured to trust someone before you’re ready.
Determine what behaviors are deposits (such as being respectful and honest) and withdrawals (such as being dishonest and secretive or covering up mistakes).
Clarify with others what behaviors add to or take away your trust.
Have confidence in the accuracy of your own observations of others’ behaviors.
Adapt the closeness of your relationships with others based on the level of trust that is built.
If you decide to build trust with someone, determine the limits that are necessary to keep you safe. Some people may choose not to do their part to build trust and are not deserving of your trust. The Lord counsels us to be as “wise as serpents, and harmless as doves” (Matthew 10:16).
While others may be untrustworthy, you can always trust that the Lord will love you and will help you heal. If you seek for God’s help, you will discover a “multitude of his tender mercies” (1 Nephi 8:8) that are evidence that you can trust Him. “His mercy is the mighty healer, even to the wounded innocent” (Boyd K. Packer, “The Reason for Our Hope,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2014, 7).
If you are still struggling in your ability to build trust, seek help from a mature and trusted individual, such as a parent, family member, friend, Church leader, teacher, or mentor. You can also seek help from a professional counselor to rebuild trust in yourself and others.
(Some of the resources listed below are not created, maintained, or controlled by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While these materials are intended to serve as additional resources, the Church does not endorse any content that is not in keeping with its doctrines and teachings.)
“To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse,” Richard G. Scott, Ensign or Liahona, May 2008, 40–43
“The Atonement Covers All Pain,” Kent F. Richards, Ensign or Liahona, May 2011, 15–17
“Drawing the Power of Jesus Christ into Our Lives,” Russell M. Nelson, Ensign or Liahona, May 2017, 39–42
“Trust,” Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse (HAVOCA)
“Trust,” The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Yes, you can learn to trust yourself. It is common for victims of abuse to lose trust in their own judgment and lack confidence when making decisions. You can gain the confidence you need to trust yourself. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “There is a solution to even the deepest hopelessness and discouragement you might feel. This hope is found in the transformative power of the gospel of Jesus Christ and in the Savior’s redemptive power to heal us of our soul-sickness” (“Believe, Love, Do,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2018, 47).
Offenders often do or say things that are not true or that are unfair in order to hurt victims and get them to do what they want. This is called manipulation or grooming. As the offender tried to gain your trust, you likely believed or trusted him or her. You may look back and believe you could have done more to stop the abuse and protect yourself, which can increase feelings of self-doubt. This may have led you to doubt your own judgment and ability to make choices.
You may not trust your ability to make decisions about simple daily tasks. This distrust can extend to larger decisions such as choices about relationships or employment. This can be discouraging, and you may feel hopeless about ever being able to trust yourself again.
You can begin to build trust in yourself by taking small and simple steps. In the scriptures we read, “By small and simple things are great things brought to pass” (Alma 37:6).
You can start to regain your ability to trust yourself by making simple decisions. Take, for example, choosing something to order at a restaurant. You can make that decision and trust that it is an acceptable decision. Stand by your decision and remind yourself that there is no right or wrong answer, even if it doesn’t turn out as you expected.
Acknowledge your efforts in making decisions and being accountable. As you develop the ability to make small decisions, you will also be able to make more meaningful decisions. Notice your feelings. As you do, you will become more confident.
You may want to think about your decisions and the possible outcomes. Having the support of a trusted friend can help you in this process. He or she can help you determine which decisions don’t really matter and which are more important. A friend can also provide validation that it is OK to make a decision that you want to make and that you can trust yourself.
As you build trust in yourself, you can learn the following:
You can trust your impressions.
You can receive your own revelation and inspiration.
Your observations can be accurate and true.
Your thoughts and beliefs matter.
Others’ thoughts and feelings are not more important than yours.
Gaining confidence in yourself can take time. That is normal. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught, “Be ye therefore perfect—eventually” (“Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2017, 40–42). The Savior’s love means that even when we make mistakes, we can learn from them and continue the work of building confidence and trust.
Additionally, we are blessed with the help of the Holy Ghost, which helps us distinguish between right and wrong. “As members of the Church, we may experience the companionship of the Holy Ghost continually. … The Holy Ghost provides personal revelation to help us make major life decisions” (Robert D. Hales, “The Holy Ghost,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2016, 105). Heavenly Father and the Savior want us to utilize the gift of the Holy Ghost in our lives. Building and strengthening trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can increase your confidence to seek the influence of the Holy Ghost.
(Some of the resources listed below are not created, maintained, or controlled by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While these materials are intended to serve as additional resources, the Church does not endorse any content that is not in keeping with its doctrines and teachings.)
“Developing Good Judgment and Not Judging Others,” Gregory A. Schwitzer, Ensign or Liahona, May 2010
“Look unto Him in Every Thought,” Joy D. Jones (Brigham Young University devotional, Aug. 21, 2018)
You can build healthy and safe relationships, even though you may not feel it is possible because of the abuse you have suffered. With time and effort, you can experience fulfillment and joy in your interactions with others.
Building relationships is similar to planting and growing seeds. President Spencer W. Kimball taught that a relationship “is like a flower, and, like the body, it needs constant feeding” (“Marriage and Divorce” [Brigham Young University devotional, Sept. 7, 1976], 6, speeches.byu.edu). Neglecting or mistreating a relationship causes it to wither and possibly die, similar to how a lack of nurture and care causes a plant to die. Both parties in a relationship need to give continual effort to build a safe and meaningful connection. Every relationship requires effort to build, maintain, or even repair that connection.
Healthy relationships include characteristics such as the following:
Respect for each other’s agency and autonomy
Honesty
Trust
Compromising to meet each other’s needs
Open communication of thoughts and feelings
Honoring differences and strengths
Mutual support
Responsibility and accountability
Clear, established boundaries
Respect for others’ boundaries
Perhaps the most important thing you can do to build relationships with others is to strengthen your relationship with yourself and with God. Begin by learning to see yourself as God sees you—with great eternal potential.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught: “Take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. … Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you—as His precious daughter or son with divine potential” (“Of Things That Matter Most,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2010, 22).
Over time and with help from others, you can begin to see yourself differently and treat yourself with patience, kindness, respect, and forgiveness. You can learn to change your unhealthy beliefs and emotions. If you are struggling in your efforts, you may want to consider professional counseling. You may also need to establish or reestablish a support system.
As you strengthen your relationship with yourself and with God, you will learn how you can apply the same principles in establishing healthy relationships with others. Making the effort to create fulfilling, nurturing, and reciprocal relationships will bring you joy.
(Some of the resources listed below are not created, maintained, or controlled by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While these materials are intended to serve as additional resources, the Church does not endorse any content that is not in keeping with its doctrines and teachings.)
“Boundaries,” A Guide to Psychology and Its Practice
“Setting Healthy Boundaries with Your Child in Recovery,” Sober College Rehab Redefined
“Setting Boundaries,” Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse (HAVOCA)
“Teaching Boundaries,” Children’s Center
“What Is a Healthy Relationship?” The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Your safety is the most important consideration in a situation of abuse. No one is expected to endure abusive behavior. You can reach out to services for help and develop a safety plan to help keep you safe from further abuse. There are situations where it is advisable to leave.
There are many groups and services that can help protect you and prevent further abuse. These can include:
Civil authorities
Child protective services
Adult protective services
Victim advocates
Medical or counseling professionals
Shelters
If you are not sure which resources to contact, see In Crisis? Talk Now or contact Family Services. You may also consider reaching out to your bishop.
A safety plan is a personalized plan to help you know what to do when faced with abusive situations. This plan can guide you and family members in situations you may be in to reduce your risk of harm.
Safety plans can include but are not limited to:
Identifying family and friends you can trust
Gathering phone numbers of resources in case of emergency (civil authorities, family, or friends)
Securing financial means to meet basic needs
Planning how to access transportation to get to a safe place, if necessary
Locating places you can go to get away, if necessary (such as family, friends, or a shelter)
Identifying what you will do in dangerous situations
Talking with your children and other family members about what they can do in dangerous situations
The resources below can help you learn more about safety plans and develop a plan that fits your specific situation and needs.
(Some of the resources listed below are not created, maintained, or controlled by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While these materials are intended to serve as additional resources, the Church does not endorse any content that is not in keeping with its doctrines and teachings.)
“Safety Planning,” Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
“What Is a Safety Plan?” The National Domestic Violence Hotline
“What is a Safety Plan?” The Center for Family Justice
Note: This is a real experience shared from a survivor of abuse. Names and identifying information have been changed.
This letter was originally written for a stake training to help bishops work with sexual abuse survivors. It is shared here with permission.
Dear Bishops,
I would like to help you understand what it’s like to be someone who carries an ugly secret—a secret that has lingered since childhood.
Each one of you has seen me, and many of you know who I am. Several of you have worked with me. I am told your perceptions are that I am a pretty well-put-together young woman. I served a mission and have held significant leadership callings. However, there is a part of me, rooted in my past, that can’t be seen through outward appearances—although at times I have felt that people knew about my past. People like me often feel that at any moment we will be “found out,” and then the result will be an ugly reputation and rejection.
I don’t know how old I was when it started—and I may never know—but I was sexually abused as a child, first by some neighborhood boys and later by an older cousin. Each time I felt worthless and tried to forget. I was quite successful in tucking those memories into a dark corner of my mind until my senior year of high school when I was in a situation that reminded me of the abuse.
After that, I remembered a few things from the past and shared what had happened to me with my best friend. She was the first and only person I trusted with my secret for years, because when you are sexually abused, you often perceive yourself as ugly, dirty, guilty. You feel deep self-loathing. You believe that if people knew about it, they would see the ugliness and look at you differently.
In high school, and many times since, I have gone through periods of anorexia—a condition that, I have learned, is quite common among sexual abuse victims. Sexual abuse represents a loss of control over something sacred and personal. I felt a deep need to control something. Controlling my appetite, I thought, would help me overcome my feelings of self-loathing. Of course, that didn’t work, and the situation only became worse as the starvation pattern cascaded out of control. I had other reasons for adopting this disordered eating behavior. During my second period of abuse, my abuser would say things about my body not being what he wanted. This trained me to feel negatively about my appearance.
I am also afraid people can tell what happened to me. So dating is hard for me. In relationships I have the tendency to become like a chameleon and adapt to the likes and dislikes of whomever I am dating. Positive assertiveness has been hard for me to come by. This is common among victims.
All my life I have struggled with my ugly secret. It is difficult to recognize my innocence before God and to separate that from what was actually wrong—the violation of me by the abuser. This is made all the more difficult by the fact that when I was molested, I was an innocent child and didn’t understand that I wasn’t capable of giving consent to the behavior. Why didn’t I stop the abuse? Why did I let it continue? Why did it have to happen? As I grew older, I projected my growing level of understanding onto myself as a little girl. I felt increasingly guilty as I erringly perceived my past capacity to choose as greater and greater with each passing year. Such thinking is common. It never helps that many of us, because we feel so bad about ourselves, gravitate to men who reinforce our negative perceptions by treating us as objects and not as daughters of God. Much of our self-loathing stems from this pattern of thinking and behaving.
My sexual abuse also caused nightmares. For years there have been periods of time when these nightmares have plagued me. I have learned to be careful about what I take into my mind so that Satan doesn’t have much material to pull from to create these terrible dreams.
These nightmares led me to discuss my sexual abuse with my bishop. The discussions were helpful. They led my bishop to invite me to participate in an LDS Family Services group. The timing and atmosphere were exactly what I needed.
I am grateful that my Heavenly Father taught me of my worth and was patient with me when I wouldn’t cry to Him on my loneliest days. Prayer is often difficult for sexual abuse victims. Trust comes with great difficulty—even trust in God, and sometimes especially trust in God.
When I was harmed as a child, it violated my innate sense of security and my belief in God’s protective hand. The process of praying with effort and purpose was fostered by a decision to venture and trust, an effort to cultivate humility, and a growing understanding that God loves me and wants me to be happy. Perspectives I gained from my mission, where I learned to pray with faith, were critical to my healing. Participating in LDS Family Services group counseling was also important in my healing process.
I had to learn that the Lord could help me heal. The wounds of sexual abuse run deep. Working with my bishop and the LDS Family Services group has helped open, cleanse, and dress my wounds. I am healing. I suspect there will continue to be moments when my wounds will hurt, but they are so much better than they used to be. I am grateful.
Bishops, know that you are examples in how you treat those around you and the level of respect you show women. Seeing righteous men in the gospel gives us hope that there are men in this world who can be trusted. One of the greatest helps for us is encouragement to find our individual worth. We all have the gift of being children of God and individuals of inherent worth. It is a treasure when we figure out that we have worth and when we find a path to the Savior, who confirms our worth by His sacrifice. We begin to understand how He can carry our grief and our sorrows.
I have found great strength in the Savior. I know He loves me and cares about me. I have also learned how much He can help me when I receive Him into my heart. I am a stronger person because of this knowledge. I still have a long way to go.
My prayers are with you good bishops. You carry a heavy load, but I know the Lord is with you and strengthens you. Thank you for being in a position in which the Lord can enlist your help. May the Lord bless you in all you do.
Faithfully yours,
Your sister
If you or someone you know has been abused, seek help immediately from civil authorities, child protective services, or adult protective services. You may also seek help from a victim advocate or counseling or medical professional. These services can help protect you and prevent further abuse. See the “In Crisis” page for more information.
Note: This is a real experience shared from a survivor of abuse. Names and identifying information have been changed.
My marriage seemed to start out fine. I was in love and I was happy. But after a while, the physical, emotional, and verbal abuse started. I needed a way out to keep myself and my children safe. My lack of knowing how to create a new future for my family and my fear kept me from getting help. But after nine years, I figured out how to break free.
How did I get out after nine years of living in that abuse? What did I do? I finally stopped listening to the voice of the adversary that told me there was no way out. Instead, I turned to find pinpoints of light that my Heavenly Father placed for me as a guide to leave the abusive marriage. It took learning how to pray and follow His direction to find those pinpoints of light:
I kept my covenants, paid my tithing, and learned how to follow the promptings of the Spirit—those actions kept me anchored with faith to my Heavenly Father.
I worked with my bishop and gained strength to receive personal revelation. Through that strength I knew the timing of when to leave.
I gained the perspective and answer that I could not help, fix, or lead my husband toward light. He was in the hands of Heavenly Father—I had to let go!
I gained my financial independence by getting training and becoming a teacher (but it took five years in my marriage to reach that point).
Circumstances led me to a police officer who gave me crisis center information.
The crisis center helped me to obtain a temporary protective order.
I was granted by the court a permanent protective order, then a divorce and full custody of our children.
There were mental and emotional setbacks while I was healing; these occurred during my nightmares. The adversary would tell me lies, such as, “You are too much: too much work, too many children, too many problems. Who would ever want you if you left? You have too much to deal with. You were too weak to help your own husband.” The adversary pounded negative thoughts at my self-worth, trying to get me to believe that I was worthless. The haunting echo that bounced around in my head following these episodes fortunately didn’t last for long.
Why? Because of the sheer volume of work that I had to do: I was a mother of five children, three of whom have autism. I kept and keep my covenants. I was teaching fifth grade to children with autism, I was obtaining my teaching certification, and I was gaining my master’s degree in special education all at the same time. As I focused on my work, my testimony, and my life, I gained perspective and evidence of my blessings. That evidence silenced the adversary’s voice.
I also gained perspective and hope that communication, friendships, and love could be developed. I would observe, record in my journal, and then read and reread over and over again to find patterns, supports, structures, friendships, and the pitfalls that can happen to any of us.
As I learned to feel love again, I learned two powerful points: (1) Heavenly Father’s love for all of His children is perfect and (2) because of that love, Heavenly Father will not interfere with the agency of His children. Through our agency we can choose light or darkness, love or war. We can tune into the promptings of the Spirit. We can have hope! And finally, we can find the pinpoints of light to guide us out of the abyss of abuse.
If you or someone you know has been abused, seek help immediately from civil authorities, child protective services, or adult protective services. You may also seek help from a victim advocate or counseling or medical professional. These services can help protect you and prevent further abuse. See the “In Crisis” page for more information.
Note: This is a real experience shared from a survivor of abuse. Names and identifying information have been changed.
Around the time I was 8 years old, my father started physically abusing me. I can’t remember the first time it happened; I just know that by 4th grade, being hit by my dad was a part of daily life. For several years, I accepted it as normal, even something I deserved. My dad frequently told me it was my fault I was being “punished” this way. He would tell me I was such an awful child, worse by far than the other children he knew. If only I were more obedient, if my room was cleaner, if I had better grades, if I didn’t make him so angry, if I were a better daughter, he wouldn’t have to hit me. He said he was only doing so to teach me a lesson and make me better. In fact, he would say he only beat me because he loved me. And as a young girl who loved her dad and desperately wanted him to love her back, I believed him.
I worked as hard as a young child could to do everything he asked me to do. During this time of life, I was very quiet—docile, even. I tried very hard to be obedient, to be polite, to be smart, but it never worked. The rules always changed, and I was always on the wrong side of them.
My attitude started to shift in my teenage years. I began feeling angry that nothing I did seemed to work out. As the anger and frustration mounted, I started fighting back when my dad would hit me. This only intensified the violence, and I would sometimes miss school, church, and social events because of the abuse. My anger spilled out into the rest of my life. I fought with everyone—siblings, friends, schoolteachers, and Church leaders. I could be like night and day—happy and loving one moment, mean and cutting the next.
That wasn’t the only thing that changed. My grades at school plummeted. Before the abuse began, I was placed in an advanced school with accelerated learning programs. By the end of high school, I was struggling to qualify for graduation. The quiet, studious, confident person I started out as had turned into an insecure, unruly ball of anger. Despite all this, I never told anyone what was happening at home. I thought it was my responsibility to keep it a secret. Although by high school I knew that abuse was wrong, I felt responsible to keep up my family’s appearance by not talking about what was happening behind closed doors. It was up to me to make sure our family still looked normal to our neighbors and ward members.
Life continued to spiral out of control in young adulthood. I left my parents’ home as soon as I could and thought life would get better once I was on my own. But it didn’t—and in many ways it got worse. The darkness in this part of my life is not something I like to think about. Depression, anger, and anxiety increased. I consistently found myself in emotionally volatile relationships that I didn’t know how to get out of. I wanted desperately to have a normal, peaceful life, but I had no clue how to do that or what it even looked like. I felt like a broken misfit who lived in the dark fringes of the world. I could look on and watch as happy, normal people lived happy, normal lives, but I would never, ever be allowed to join them. I just didn’t belong.
Around this time, I started receiving spiritual promptings to go on a mission. I had no desire whatsoever to serve a mission and therefore resisted the promptings for several years. I finally conceded and received a call to serve in eastern Europe. My mission was hard, and because of my own internal battles, I was sometimes difficult to serve with. I was blessed greatly by very kind companions and a compassionate mission president whose wife was trained in mental health counseling. It was during my mission that I decided to seek counseling for the abuse I experienced growing up.
Shortly after I returned home, I called the LDS Family Services office near my home. I had no idea what I was doing; the receptionist asked me what I needed treatment for and I very awkwardly said, “Well, my dad used to hit me a lot.” She assigned me a counselor and gave me a date and time for my first appointment.
I remember standing outside the LDS Family Services building before that appointment. I felt incredibly stupid. “I’m making a big deal out of this,” I told myself. “I should go home.” I was certain that when I explained why I was there, the counselor would roll his or her eyes at me, talk about how therapy was for people with “real” problems, and suggest that I was being a bit overdramatic. I almost didn’t go in.
I am so, so glad I went in. I can pinpoint the moment my life’s path changed to my first therapy session.
My counselor was the first person to listen to my story with genuine understanding and empathy. She validated the difficulties I had been experiencing for years. I didn’t realize how much I needed validation until that moment—it felt like fresh air in a room that had been shut for almost 20 years. She identified much of what I considered my “brokenness” (my anger, depression, and knack for terrible romantic relationships) as symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and typical, normal responses to traumatic environments. I was normal? Not defective? I hadn’t been told that since I was an 8-year-old. For the first time, I felt palpable hope that I could be happy. I walked out of that therapy session with a lightness in my heart I had never before experienced.
My therapy lasted for about a year. Some sessions were intense; some were light. Over the course of that year, I worked on undoing the mental damage done by my dad’s abuse. My therapist helped me identify new ways of thinking and behaving that I would not have considered on my own. My thoughts slowly started changing from negative and self-deprecating to more positive and proactive. I cried a lot during therapy, both in my therapist’s office and alone by myself. But I also started to laugh more naturally and feel more genuinely at peace with myself and life. By the end of my treatment, I was able to think and talk about the abuse without feeling sad, scared, or ashamed. I had made several important breakthroughs, including realizing that the abuse was never my fault and that I was a competent and valuable person.
I went into therapy with an entire world of private pain on my shoulders. If I hadn’t gone and had stayed on my original course, I know the downward spiral would have continued. I would have tried my best to “keep it together,” but as it had before, that pain would have driven me further and further into painful situations and decisions. I came out of therapy with a repaired sense of self and the life skills I would normally have gained in a healthy home environment. I had a better sense of who I was, how to handle conflict, what trust felt like, and what to do when dark and negative thoughts clouded my mind. I came out of therapy ready, instead of scared, for life.
It’s been almost 10 years since I first started therapy. Since that time, I completed college and graduate school, started a career, and married. I work my hardest to be an advocate for mental health and encourage those who are struggling to seek professional help. I still occasionally have rough patches; I don’t imagine those will ever go away entirely. But I know how to handle them now so they aren’t as intense and they don’t last as long. My life is infinitely happier, richer, and more fulfilling than it would have been without intervention. I’m so grateful for the blessing of therapy.
If you or someone you know has been abused, seek help immediately from civil authorities, child protective services, or adult protective services. You may also seek help from a victim advocate or counseling or medical professional. These services can help protect you and prevent further abuse. See the “In Crisis” page for more information.
Note: This is a real experience from a survivor of abuse. Names and identifying information have been changed.
My siblings and I were born into a dysfunctional family. From the time I was a young boy, I remember my parents fighting a lot. They disciplined us in ways I thought were normal but now recognize as abusive: blows, slaps, whippings, cold water baths, insults, threats, and hair and ear pulling. Sometimes they threw objects at us. Often they weren’t at home and my older brother was in charge. He followed my parents’ example in his treatment of us.
I will never forget when Luis started to abuse me sexually when I was six years old. This happened usually when just the two of us were in the house. I thought I was the only one he sexually abused until I saw him with my sister when I was eight.
Luis’s abuse grew worse over the years. He told me that if I did not cooperate, he would kill me. I believed him. Many times in my youth I lost all hope and felt completely traumatized, wishing I could disappear or die. I felt guilty and wondered what bad things I had done to be punished so harshly. I was always scared. I prayed many times to God; however, I thought He didn’t listen to me at all. I felt unprotected and abandoned.
I was afraid to tell my parents about Luis’s actions. And Luis was always watchful. When my parents were present, he would use body language to threaten me and show me what would happen if I said something. I was constantly trying to hide from my brother and did not feel safe in my own home. I wanted to quit school and go to work so that I would be home less often. However, I was not allowed to do so.
One day when I was 11, my father gave me money to buy beverages for the family. As I walked to the grocery store, Luis approached me from behind and demanded that I give him the money. He said, “If Father asks you where the drinks are, tell him that someone stole the money from you.”
I was tired of this situation in my life and refused to obey him. He became angry and beat me until I fell to the ground. I got to my feet and stumbled back to my father. With tears streaming down my face, I told him what Luis had done. My father was furious with him.
After that, I felt some relief. I didn’t tell my father about the sexual abuse though; I was embarrassed and almost felt at fault for the disgusting sexual things that Luis would make me do. After I spoke to my father, Luis stopped sexually abusing me, but he continued beating me up and hurting me. I learned to live with the pain. That was nothing compared to what he had done before.
Later on, Luis decided to join the army. For us, that was the worst decision he could have made. My mother and father were relieved that Luis would be away from our home for a while, but Luis had a hard time in the army. He got crazier. Whatever he experienced in the army fueled his already violent nature. When he returned from his service, he acted worse than before.
Eventually Luis started his own family. We hoped that maybe this would help him change. But that was not the case. He created more victims. His wife and children cried constantly. And he continued to fight with us and even with our neighbors.
At age 18, I finally decided to leave my home. I was so tired of my life. I had scars and broken bones to remind me of the violence that Luis had put me through.
After several years I met a young woman and got married, wishing to have a wonderful family that would be better than the one I grew up in. However, that didn’t work out well, and my marriage ended. I became depressed. I lost my job. I couldn’t study anymore. I broke the law of chastity and stopped going to church. Part of me felt disconnected from reality. I had no hope or motivation.
I finally started praying hard for God to help me. I summoned up my courage and confessed my sins to the bishop. My bishop sent me to LDS Family Services to receive therapy. At first I thought my problems weren’t very big. However, I started sharing my background and facing my horrible issues. I learned to improve my relationship with my sisters. I also realized I had a sex addiction and started attending LDS Addiction Recovery Program meetings. I discovered many things about myself in that process.
It was a difficult road, but after some time, with encouragement from my friends from the recovery program, I decided to fully come back to the Church. I started working hard to be forgiven of the choices I made as a result of my pain and be worthy to go to the temple again.
I have found answers in the recovery meetings. There I can freely share my thoughts and feelings. My friends in the program understand my problems and don’t judge me. They accept me for who I am and see the brightness of my future.
My journey continues to require time, patience, love, service, open communication, and a humble heart. I take small steps one by one, gaining relief from the heavy weight on my shoulders. Through the power of Christ and His Atonement, I have gained more control in my life. God has changed my soul, and I can feel peace again. Now I have hope for the future.
If you or someone you know has been abused, seek help immediately from civil authorities, child protective services, or adult protective services. You may also seek help from a victim advocate or counseling or medical professional. These services can help protect you and prevent further abuse. See the “In Crisis” page for more information.
Note: This a real experience shared from a survivor of abuse. Names and identifying information have been changed.
I was 33 years old, recently divorced, and decided to start dating again. On two separate occasions, I was raped by men I met through social activities. The realization of what happened to me was very difficult. It took a long time for me to acknowledge what had happened. My body went into shock and I felt numb; I went through periods where I felt completely used, worthless, and ashamed.
There were times I felt like giving up because trying was exhausting. I knew I couldn’t win this battle on my own. I sought help from a professional counselor, and she helped and guided me through the grieving process.
I also counseled with my bishop on a regular basis. Together, they guided and encouraged me to keep going, and they encouraged me to build my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I knew in the moments I fell to my knees pleading for help that Heavenly Father was refining me, giving me strength, little by little, to overcome this. Hope and healing are possible. I learned a lot about myself, my Father in Heaven, and my Savior, throughout this journey.
I’ve learned to trust in Heavenly Father. He knows what is best. I’ve learned when I need help, advice, or direction to fall on my knees.
I’ve learned who my friends are, and I’ve learned what a true friend is. I’ve also learned how to set boundaries.
I’ve learned more love, compassion, and patience.
I’ve learned to be kinder to myself, to not blame myself, especially when something is not my fault. I’ve learned not to judge or be as hard on myself. I’m learning to love myself more as each day goes on.
I’m thankful for the quiet courage that has helped me become who I am. I’m still growing and learning day by day, but I’m very grateful for the path I’m on and for all that I’ve conquered.
This may have been a quiet journey—not many know what I’ve been through—but I think that often the quietest acts of courage can be the strongest ones.
I understand the healing power that Christ is able to extend because of His Atonement. I understand a little more how He endured my pain and agony in the garden and on the cross. I believe in the power of angels and the protection they provide. I know that I was not alone during this journey, and it has strengthened my testimony to know God truly is involved in every aspect of our lives. He doesn’t merely check in every once in a while; He will always invest in us, and He watches over us.
My testimony has grown stronger. I learned how real the spirit world is. I knew I was battling the adversary on a daily basis. At times I imagined myself putting on spiritual armor; this helped to give me strength. I knew I had to spiritually protect myself from the heaviness and fog I had to walk through to acknowledge and accept my experiences. My pain was so deep and real that it actually made my heart and whole body ache. At times, it felt as if my body was ill.
However, this experience has also brought forth an inner strength—a strength I never knew was there. A strength that is kind, encouraging, and uplifting. A strength that tells me I can do hard things. A strength I know will push me through difficult and challenging times. A strength that knows me more than I know myself. I felt a rekindling with my spirit, my soul, my eternal being who once lived with Heavenly Father, my spirit who knows what I am capable of.
Our souls are worth so much more than we can ever imagine! As we rely on the help and power of Jesus Christ, we can ultimately conquer, overcome, triumph and succeed! We are sons and daughters of a Heavenly King, and that is something to rejoice over! We are made for grand and beautiful things—things we cannot imagine or feel. Let us rejoice in who we are; we are beautiful and magnificent in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. We are of so much worth! I believe our souls yearn to be home with our Heavenly Father and to be in His presence once again. I give Him my praises, my Father, my King.
If you or someone you know has been abused, seek help immediately from civil authorities, child protective services, or adult protective services. You may also seek help from a victim advocate or counseling or medical professional. These services can help protect you and prevent further abuse. See the “In Crisis” page for more information.
Note: This is a real experience shared from a survivor of abuse. Names and identifying information have been changed.
I was repeatedly sexually abused starting when I was 6 until I was approximately 14 by a cousin who is ten years older than I am. I was very close to this cousin and his family. I was constantly at their home. I loved them more than words could say. As is common in cases of child sexual abuse, my young mind didn’t fully comprehend the impact of the abuse until I reached an age of understanding—in my case, this was around 16 years old. Instead of understanding that the abuse was not my fault (how could it be … a 6-year-old boy should not know or have experienced the things I was taught and that were done to me), I internalized the abuse and blamed myself. My feelings of guilt and disgust with myself were enormous! The only way I could escape the self-hatred was to find an avenue that allowed me to feel more in control over my life (even though I wasn’t). As a teenager, this “control” manifested itself in the form of eating disorders—anorexia nervosa and bulimia.
I deteriorated both physically and emotionally. I “bottomed out” at around 100 pounds in weight and was on the verge of needing to be hospitalized—my heart and internal organs were beginning to fail. As a result, I was home-schooled with the help of supportive teachers. My medical doctor worked to help me get to a healthier weight and also referred me to a psychologist. He was a wonderful man who helped me tremendously! During our counseling sessions, I began confronting the abuse that had occurred and the feelings of confusion and hurt that remained within me. My long road of healing had begun.
A few months later, I finally made the decision that things could no longer be “swept under the carpet” within our family—something like this should not be hidden, ignored, or kept secret instead of dealing with it. I feared my cousin would be doing the same thing to other little boys and I also knew he was engrossed in child pornography. I knew the deep scar abuse had caused me, and I didn’t want any other little boys to suffer because I didn’t have the courage to tell what happened. So I reported the abuse.
Unfortunately, reporting created problems in my family, which caused even greater feelings of guilt for me. When news first broke that my cousin had sexually abused me, family members shared that they didn’t want to “take sides.” However, I never thought there was a “side” to take. I didn’t want anyone to ostracize my cousin or disown him. The only thing I wanted was an acknowledgement of what happened, that it was a horrible thing for me as a child to have gone through, and that my cousin had to face the consequences and accountability for the choices he made—and in the process receive the help and support he needed. Ultimately for me, through counseling and the support of my bishop, I have forgiven my cousin and those in my family who have not supported me—it is no longer my burden to bear. There is One much greater than I who paid the price so that I would not have to carry that burden; how grateful I am for my Savior.
For any who have been wounded, I ask you to please don’t give up. Don’t lose hope. Don’t stop moving forward. Healing does not happen overnight. Sometimes wholeness may not even come in this life, but the path we walk was never meant to be perfectly straight and smooth. There are always going to be bumps and divots, ups and downs, twists and curves. Ours is the opportunity to set our sights on the horizon and to keep walking, if only one step at a time (even if there are a couple of steps backwards now and then). Although my sexual abuse ended many years ago, and I have walked a long path of healing, I still occasionally wake up having relived a reoccurring nightmare of my abuse.
Does this make me forever broken? Not at all. Scars may always remain from the wounds of the past, but they don’t define me. Wounded? Yes. Broken? No. As an adult who has in great measure healed, I have learned to comfort that wounded child that still lives within me. Drifting back to sleep after one of those nightmares with words of comfort seeping into the subconscious of a scared little boy: “It is not your fault. You are not to blame. Don’t take the weight of this pain on yourself.” I believe those words and encourage any who have been wounded to remember, it is not your fault! You are loved. You are not broken. With time, all wounds heal and all wrongs will be made right because of “him who is mighty to save” (2 Nephi 31:19).
If you or someone you know has been abused, seek help immediately from civil authorities, child protective services, or adult protective services. You may also seek help from a victim advocate or counseling or medical professional. These services can help protect you and prevent further abuse. See the “In Crisis” page for more information.
Note: This is a real experience shared from a survivor of abuse. Names and identifying information have been changed.
I don’t remember exactly how old I was when the abuse started happening. My brother, who is about nine years older than me, began molesting me. Sometimes the abuse happened during the day when my parents were gone and he was babysitting. One time he had his radio on—I still remember the song that was playing. I hate that song.
When I turned eight years old, my dad was supposed to baptize me. It turned out that he couldn’t be there on the scheduled date and my mom didn’t want to reschedule my baptism, so she suggested that my brother baptize me. I didn’t know what to say, so I let him. Afterward, I questioned my baptism for a long time.
My other abuser was my cousin. He started abusing me when his family came to visit us for two weeks. I was seven or eight years old. I hated it all.
About two years later, my cousin’s family moved closer to my family. We would visit them for weekends, and during the summer we would stay for weeks at a time. The abuse continued. He would always try to get me alone. I felt disgusting and dirty and powerless.
At age 12 I talked with my bishop about getting a temple recommend to do baptisms for the dead. When my bishop asked one of the recommend interview questions, I started crying. He knew what that meant. All he said was, “Who?” I only reported my cousin. My brother was about to come home from his mission, so I didn’t say anything about him. I struggled with that decision for most of my life.
I began drinking alcohol in eighth or ninth grade. During my teenage years I became sexually involved with several boyfriends. I had an “I don’t care” attitude and did whatever was asked of me. After high school I ended up moving in with my boyfriend for about a year until we broke up.
A good friend helped me think about what I wanted to do with my life. I started going to church again and getting my life back on track. Eventually I married an amazing man. When we had been married for 13 years, I told him about the abuse. He just took me into his arms and held me. He helped get me into counseling, and then I started attending group therapy. I felt depressed for months after telling my husband about the abuse, but after participating in individual and group counseling, I have been doing so much better.
I have experienced many effects from the abuse. I am a very protective mother. I don’t trust people easily. I have a hard time making decisions by myself.
In some ways I have used what I have learned to become a better parent. My husband and I teach our children about appropriate touching. We have an open-door policy and tell our children they can talk to us about anything.
I still have bad days, but I have learned to take things one day at a time. The bad days occur less frequently now. I have hope for the future.
If you or someone you know has been abused, seek help immediately from civil authorities, child protective services, or adult protective services. You may also seek help from a victim advocate or counseling or medical professional. These services can help protect you and prevent further abuse. See the “In Crisis” page for more information.
Note: This is a real experience shared from a survivor of abuse. Names and identifying information have been changed.
When I was a teenager, I was physically assaulted and raped by a family friend. He was a man I had once respected and trusted. Everything I thought I knew about life changed.
I grew up being taught to be happy when I was around other people. It was how I handled every challenge in life, and the aftermath of the attack was no different. To the people around me, I appeared successful. I continued to get good grades and participated on an after-school sports team, as well as other extracurricular activities. I was active in my ward and at youth activities. I did not want anyone to know what had happened, so I did everything I could to appear normal.
But as much as I tried, I couldn’t hide from what had happened. Despite my appearance, I was struggling with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. I stopped letting anyone touch me—even my parents, brothers, and sisters. By day, I relived the assault through flashbacks; by night, I relived it in my dreams. Even the once-comforting act of prayer felt too vulnerable and often ended with panic attacks.
My attacker had threatened to kill me, and there were many times I thought it would have been better if he had just followed through with his words.
Seeking control and a reprieve from the emotional pain, I turned to self-harm as an escape. I was filled with so much shame and self-contempt about what had been done to my body that it didn’t seem to matter what else happened to it. I struggled to believe I had any worth. Unable to separate what had been done to me from who I was, I felt so dirty. How could God ever truly love me? I did not understand what the Savior’s sacrifice meant for me, and I felt beyond repair. These distorted, unhealthy beliefs led to a lack of trust in Heavenly Father and kept me from approaching Him authentically.
During this time, I sought the help of both a licensed therapist and a psychiatrist. I knew I needed help and was blessed with parents who took me to see a therapist. The process of healing from trauma is a long and painful one, but as I allowed her to, she helped me learn how to handle my trauma in a healthy way, replacing the destructive coping mechanisms I had been utilizing. Through therapy I realized how the unhealthy thought patterns I had developed after the attack were impacting my life.
I realized that I had also distanced myself from God. Yes, I had made a conscious choice to keep going to church. Yes, I knew I wanted—and needed—the gospel in my life, but my testimony was not strong enough to hold up against my self-doubt. These beliefs were the hardest thing for me to address and see success with in a therapeutic setting.
A few years after I was raped, I started attending college. This new season in my life came with a challenge from my bishop to better develop my relationship with Heavenly Father. I was still unsure if I could do it, or if I even deserved what I was told He offered, but I determined to try.
The scripture in Alma 32:27 became a lifeline for me: “But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.” And I had a desire to come closer to my Heavenly Father.
I knew I had a lot of work to do, and I wanted to know where to start. At the time, the strongest part of my testimony centered on the Restoration. I knew Joseph Smith had received an answer to his question, so I decided to ask Heavenly Father how I could draw closer to Him.
The answer came in the quiet thought, “Learn who I am.”
I followed this direction by placing myself in situations where I could learn the gospel. I started to realize that Heavenly Father was always right there waiting for me to open myself up to receive Him. Breaking down the walls I had built over the previous few years was a slow, but steady, process. During this time, my prayers often echoed the father who pled to the Savior on behalf of his child, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief” (Mark 9:24). As I learned more about the gospel, my testimony grew and I pushed Heavenly Father away less.
I had always enjoyed learning, but for the first time in my life I fell in love with studying the gospel. The more I learned, the more I believed and the more I wanted to know. I began to see changes in my life, and the impact of the assault began to lessen.
I continue to see a therapist when needed. That professional help has been a vital part of healing from my sexual trauma. I have learned how to recognize my emotions and address my thoughts and behaviors. The coping skills I learned in therapy have saved my life on more than one occasion. Focusing on both my spiritual development and psychological health was just what I needed to help me grow.
I will always be a woman who was raped, but that event does not affect who I am as a daughter of God. The feelings of being damaged, dirty, or not good enough still pop up in my mind, but now I am able to remember eternal truths to challenge them. With every step I take, I believe those truths more and more.
I have learned about the magnitude of Christ’s Atonement and the power He has not only to redeem us from our sins, but to sanctify us and enable us to reach our divine potential. I believe in the power to change that comes through the Savior and His Atonement. I have come to believe in my worth as a daughter of Heavenly Father, and I know now that my Father and my Savior love me more deeply than I can comprehend.
Most of all, I have learned about the nature of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. By following the prompting to learn more about who They truly are, I have been shown that I can trust Them completely and how to put that trust and faith into action.
I used to feel so much darkness. But choosing to follow the gospel of Jesus Christ has brought His incomparable light into my life. Now, as I look ahead, I have hope.
If you or someone you know has been abused, seek help immediately from civil authorities, child protective services, or adult protective services. You may also seek help from a victim advocate or counseling or medical professional. These services can help protect you and prevent further abuse. See the “In Crisis” page for more information.